on ugly ass aquatic creatures

i didn't even have to go to florida to see sharks! they are right here! swimming around in new jersey! i want you all to know that i just google imaged "shark" for another ten minutes just now. i am sitting in my cube, not in scuba gear, and pretty much crapping myself. from google images. i hate the internets.

i should let you know right now, we didn't see any sharks when we were in the keys. yes, i went scuba diving in the keys and i got to see was this ugly mug:

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now i bet you're all like, "what the crap is that thing?" that thing is a cot damn barracuda. and they are ugly. and we saw lots of them. and they lurked. under coral. under the boat like a creepy stalker. and swimming all around. and they are long. and gross. more photos!

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to be honest, when mr bee first pointed two of them out, i thought they were, in fact, sharks and he was being a dick, pointing them out to me so that i poop my bikini bottoms. in my defense, the first two i saw were swimming along, off the distance and the visibility was not the greatest. they could have been baby sharks. and you people know that i enjoy baby things. i do not enjoy barracudas. or baby barracudas. they are all just grossness. gross lurking grossers. they kind of just stared at you like, "bitch, what are you looking at?" i am surprised that there are not more barracuda villains in Disney movies. but i guess that what they used the moray eels for.

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the ocean has some gross things in it, let me tell you.

we saw some other cool things and  i pretty much looked like this the entire time:

and now i am home and safe from barracudas. i didn't see any sharks - boo. i did see some barracudas - yay. and i can swim underwater for forty minutes because i'm a baller.

i did, however, have a run-in with some fire coral, which is not at all actually related to coral (much like how red pandas aren't actually pandas.) this is it:

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it stung like a mother and looked like my arm walked into a nest of angry wasps. GROSS. grosser than barracuda, even. which was super sad because the reason we were in the keys in the first place was for a wedding. so now i have barracuda arm in the wedding photos, no matter how hard i tried to discretely tuck my right arm behind me and fist pump with my left. i can only hope the photographer is also an airbrush photoshop master.