alright, jeans. things have been getting a little out of control lately. your father and i have already had this discussion with you a few times before.
now, what's this i hear about jean pajamas? oh, you didn't think anyone would tell me? how did i find out? i found out because i'm the mom and mom's always find out. (ed. note: i have ALWAYS wanted to say that to someone. also, my own mom always found out. moms are just amazing like that.)
jeans, listen. we know you're having some growing pains and for awhile you felt like you had to be at the gym every day, and then you feel the need to rebel a little bit, so you were hanging out with those weed-smoking snowboarders up in vancouver. but this just takes the cake, jeans. you can't be hopping into people's beds all day and night, like some kind of whiskey-drinking, flapper-dancing floozy.
get a hold of yourself, jean! you're turning into the cranberry of juices. you can't just go around throwing yourself into everybody's juices! you saw what happened to cranberry. she got all mixed up with the entire fruit basket and now there's a bunch of cranapple, crangrape, crankiwimangobananapears running amuk all over. call us old-fashioned, but we don't want that for you. we just want you to be happy. you should probably have a chat with your Uncle Levi about character and family values.
we want you to express yourself, we really do! that's why we never said anything when you were all distressed and shit. and remember back in the 80s when you went through that acid wash phase? we were behind you all the way. and that time, when you cut all your length off and told us you'd only answer to the name "jorts"? c'mon jeans!
i blame it on those binge-y friends of yours, those skinny jeans. if it weren't for them, you'd never be coming to us with these radical ideas of horsing around with gore-tex and lycra.
i'm sorry jeans, but we simply cannot allow you to go out all hours of the night with those pajamas. we have high expectations for you. please don't yell. just finish your green beans and go upstairs and start on your homework. you'll thank us one day. i hope.