on swimming with sharks and death

this could very well be my last blog post ever.

tomorrow, i am going to go scuba dive in the keys. with sharks.

let's visualize this for a second please.

THIS i can handle:

(image)

Both the shark and the baby are very adorable. i would like take both of them home with me.

THIS i can not:

(image.)

there is nothing cute about this. i am already pooping my pants in my office right now. in fact, if i were under this group of hammer fucking head sharks, i can assure you that i would shit my rented wet suit, puke into my regulator and pray to every single christian, jewish, hindu, muslim, and native american god that they just put me out of my misery and devour me quickly.

i also hope that i lose my contacts so that i am as blind as a bat that they don't see me. i mean, i dont see them. that's how it works right? if i can't see you... oh christ. i hope i dont actually lose my contacts.

and, if i miraculously come face to face with this:

and make it out alive, i will forever dance across the glorious pavement singing the "i'm the most bad ass person in my vicinity right now" song. that's right, bitches. i'm a baby and a bad ass mother fucker all rolled into one. i know it's possible; meredith brooks told me so.

for serious, light a candle or pray or swing your chakra beads over your head for me tonight.