on ugly ass aquatic creatures

i didn't even have to go to florida to see sharks! they are right here! swimming around in new jersey! i want you all to know that i just google imaged "shark" for another ten minutes just now. i am sitting in my cube, not in scuba gear, and pretty much crapping myself. from google images. i hate the internets.

i should let you know right now, we didn't see any sharks when we were in the keys. yes, i went scuba diving in the keys and i got to see was this ugly mug:

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now i bet you're all like, "what the crap is that thing?" that thing is a cot damn barracuda. and they are ugly. and we saw lots of them. and they lurked. under coral. under the boat like a creepy stalker. and swimming all around. and they are long. and gross. more photos!

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to be honest, when mr bee first pointed two of them out, i thought they were, in fact, sharks and he was being a dick, pointing them out to me so that i poop my bikini bottoms. in my defense, the first two i saw were swimming along, off the distance and the visibility was not the greatest. they could have been baby sharks. and you people know that i enjoy baby things. i do not enjoy barracudas. or baby barracudas. they are all just grossness. gross lurking grossers. they kind of just stared at you like, "bitch, what are you looking at?" i am surprised that there are not more barracuda villains in Disney movies. but i guess that what they used the moray eels for.

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the ocean has some gross things in it, let me tell you.

we saw some other cool things and  i pretty much looked like this the entire time:

and now i am home and safe from barracudas. i didn't see any sharks - boo. i did see some barracudas - yay. and i can swim underwater for forty minutes because i'm a baller.

i did, however, have a run-in with some fire coral, which is not at all actually related to coral (much like how red pandas aren't actually pandas.) this is it:

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it stung like a mother and looked like my arm walked into a nest of angry wasps. GROSS. grosser than barracuda, even. which was super sad because the reason we were in the keys in the first place was for a wedding. so now i have barracuda arm in the wedding photos, no matter how hard i tried to discretely tuck my right arm behind me and fist pump with my left. i can only hope the photographer is also an airbrush photoshop master.

on swimming with sharks and death

this could very well be my last blog post ever.

tomorrow, i am going to go scuba dive in the keys. with sharks.

let's visualize this for a second please.

THIS i can handle:

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Both the shark and the baby are very adorable. i would like take both of them home with me.

THIS i can not:

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there is nothing cute about this. i am already pooping my pants in my office right now. in fact, if i were under this group of hammer fucking head sharks, i can assure you that i would shit my rented wet suit, puke into my regulator and pray to every single christian, jewish, hindu, muslim, and native american god that they just put me out of my misery and devour me quickly.

i also hope that i lose my contacts so that i am as blind as a bat that they don't see me. i mean, i dont see them. that's how it works right? if i can't see you... oh christ. i hope i dont actually lose my contacts.

and, if i miraculously come face to face with this:

and make it out alive, i will forever dance across the glorious pavement singing the "i'm the most bad ass person in my vicinity right now" song. that's right, bitches. i'm a baby and a bad ass mother fucker all rolled into one. i know it's possible; meredith brooks told me so.

for serious, light a candle or pray or swing your chakra beads over your head for me tonight.

on birthing days

(bee cake here. made for a girl named JEN.)

i solemnly swear to not talk about placenta or post a picture of it. otherwise, enjoy the story of my birth:

26 years ago, my momma was just hanging out a day before my due date when she started to have back pains. just kidding, momma - you're in labor! she didn't even REALIZE it until our neighbor said, "peggy ann, for real, woman, you're having a baby." ahhh, so to the hospital they go.

mom wasn't totally dilated yet, so dad hung out in the hallway with the doc and the nurse. the doctor mentioned an article he had just read in a medical journal that stated that normal/average/regular dudes have seven to ten erections a night. he was in the process of trying to convince his wife to stay up all night one day to run a tally. he wanted to see if he was average.

so then, the nurse mentioned that she was hungry or thirsty or wanted to get away from erection talk or something, so the doc told her to go grab something to eat while they waited for me.

half an hour later, a really tall nurse comes back and says, "ZOMG you'll NEVER GUESS what just happened! Nurse 1 was just in the cafeteria getting tea and the water from the machine splashed out and HIT HER IN THE EYE, burning it! she just went to the ER." no big. sorry, Nurse 1. welcome to my delivery, Nurse 2.

so Nurse 2 joins my dad and the doc and they head into the delivery room. the doc is moving things around and there is this huge, giant metal lamp that he readjusts to see better. as he's moving it, the big tall nurse walks right into it, slicing a GIANT BLEEDING GASH across her forehead. Nurse 2 down for the count and out to the ER herself. oy vey. peace out Nurse 2, please come in Nurse 3. we're having a party here! Nurse 3 enters and apparently manages to make it through my delivery without sustaining any type of emergency medical care. unclear how she managed that, but good on her.

drama drama drama and i wasn't even breathing air yet. whatevs. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

oh, and happy independence day to you!