10.15.2011
Becoming Buddha in 30 Days or Less
"i think the carebears are supremely enlightened little yogis." -S.
10.05.2011
reduce, reuse, but don't even think about recycling
i live in the woods. i get it. but i also get that it is 2011. i can look up the square root of eleventy on the phone in my pocket. what i cannot do is recycle weekly.
yes, that's right. my recycling gets picked up curbside ONCE a MONTH. boo. hiss. but at least the borough gave us GIANT buckets for recycling. the better to jam a months worth of containers into.
but alas, woe is us and we only received three (3) containers. which unfortunately will only take care of my recyclable gas because unlike the rest of the entire milky way universe i have to separate my clear glass from my brown glass from my green glass. is it 1992? what? even the city of philadelphia managed to get its shit together enough to allow commingling of everything. so much for single stream. i have eleventy billion recycle streams here.
also to separate - plastics 1 vs. plastics 2 and aluminum vs tin.
and not recyclable? any other plastic or ANY PLASTIC EVEN 1s AND 2s NOT IN A BOTTLE FORM.
wtf.
things i have to THROW AWAY:
*yogurt containers
*certain plastic juice containers (arizona iced tea jugs and simply lemonade for example)
*microwave plastic food trays (Bee's lunches when i'm not around)
*takeaway plastic food trays (we don't get these a lot, but sometimes)
*plastic lids of any kind
*junk mail
things i have to hoard and then pile into the car and drive over to the recycling center (which is only open for three specific hours during the entire week) to recycle:
*magazines
*cardboard
and unfortunately we're having some trouble with the cardboard because the current format for collecting it is apparently causing "clutter" in our house and giving Bee a hernia. so most of our cardboard ends up in the garbage anyway.
i hate myself so hard every time i throw a yogurt container away. i am not even kidding. i die a little bit inside every time.
if you search for reviews of the company, there's some fucking crazy lady who bashes everyone who complains about the ridiculousness of recycling only 1 & 2 bottles by bringing up gas prices and telling everyone to get off their high horses and to lower their recycling standards.
get with the times, dville. fucking recycle. and that means everything. no excuse.
yes, that's right. my recycling gets picked up curbside ONCE a MONTH. boo. hiss. but at least the borough gave us GIANT buckets for recycling. the better to jam a months worth of containers into.
but alas, woe is us and we only received three (3) containers. which unfortunately will only take care of my recyclable gas because unlike the rest of the entire milky way universe i have to separate my clear glass from my brown glass from my green glass. is it 1992? what? even the city of philadelphia managed to get its shit together enough to allow commingling of everything. so much for single stream. i have eleventy billion recycle streams here.
also to separate - plastics 1 vs. plastics 2 and aluminum vs tin.
and not recyclable? any other plastic or ANY PLASTIC EVEN 1s AND 2s NOT IN A BOTTLE FORM.
wtf.
things i have to THROW AWAY:
*yogurt containers
*certain plastic juice containers (arizona iced tea jugs and simply lemonade for example)
*microwave plastic food trays (Bee's lunches when i'm not around)
*takeaway plastic food trays (we don't get these a lot, but sometimes)
*plastic lids of any kind
*junk mail
things i have to hoard and then pile into the car and drive over to the recycling center (which is only open for three specific hours during the entire week) to recycle:
*magazines
*cardboard
and unfortunately we're having some trouble with the cardboard because the current format for collecting it is apparently causing "clutter" in our house and giving Bee a hernia. so most of our cardboard ends up in the garbage anyway.
i hate myself so hard every time i throw a yogurt container away. i am not even kidding. i die a little bit inside every time.
if you search for reviews of the company, there's some fucking crazy lady who bashes everyone who complains about the ridiculousness of recycling only 1 & 2 bottles by bringing up gas prices and telling everyone to get off their high horses and to lower their recycling standards.
get with the times, dville. fucking recycle. and that means everything. no excuse.
9.20.2011
the mediocrity of valley television service
We're in the market for television. we managed to survive the summer by catching up on Deadwood, Community, Parks & Rec, The League and a few others by means of Hulu and Netflix Qwikster/Netflix.
After much back forth about cable vs dish vs directv vs slingboxing to any number of our friends/relatives, we finally made a decision. I called and set up an appointment and they said they'd be out in three weeks to set it up for us. yes, three weeks. from the date that i called. okay, whatever. you do what you can do, must be a busy time for handing people cable boxes.
But meanwhile, during those said three weeks, we've had some time to think about it and research it a little more and we made the decision to go in a different direction. We sign up for the service (ONLINE! imagine that!) and i'm pretty sure if we hadn't ordered at 7 at night, we'd have been able to get an install date the very next day. alas, we can get installation in two business days (technically one and a half).
So i call up the first service, rehearsing my "i'm really sorry, we've gone in another direction, they were cheaper for more channels and way quicker with the install" bit. And i get put on hold. for seven minutes. and not just "your call is important to us" hold, but "those other services aren't as good as we are! we're the best and have been in business in the valley for over fifty year! we take pride in our service to you" hold AND with every minute that someone does not answer your call, you have to repeatedly press "0" to continue to hold. It's the "are you sure you want to continue to hold to talk to us? Really, are you sure? Just checking. Okay, now? Are you still sure now?" hold.
So after seven minutes of affirming my desire to talk to someone, I finally get a person on the line. I explain that I would like to cancel my installation and the girl checks my phone number, verifies my address and then says, "Okay, i've gone ahead and canceled that for you. Have a good day." Click.
No "i'm sorry to see you go" "is there something we could have done better?" "can i help you with anything else today, like perhaps our internet or telephone service?" or "we're currently offering free HD and DVR for the next three months if you'd like to stay on with us." none of that. just an okay, goodbye, click.
It's like the people here don't even give a shit if you give them business. I'd love to keep my money local, but a three week wait for a handful of channels that are twice as expensive as the other guy, topped with no attempt to even try to retain me as a customer, well, that's just a bad business plan.
And don't even get me started on the heating oil company.
HOW DO YOU PEOPLE GET OTHER PEOPLE TO GIVE YOU MONEY? WHO IS GIVING YOU THEIR MONEY??
i don't get it. i just don't get it. don't you want me to give you my money?
After much back forth about cable vs dish vs directv vs slingboxing to any number of our friends/relatives, we finally made a decision. I called and set up an appointment and they said they'd be out in three weeks to set it up for us. yes, three weeks. from the date that i called. okay, whatever. you do what you can do, must be a busy time for handing people cable boxes.
But meanwhile, during those said three weeks, we've had some time to think about it and research it a little more and we made the decision to go in a different direction. We sign up for the service (ONLINE! imagine that!) and i'm pretty sure if we hadn't ordered at 7 at night, we'd have been able to get an install date the very next day. alas, we can get installation in two business days (technically one and a half).
So i call up the first service, rehearsing my "i'm really sorry, we've gone in another direction, they were cheaper for more channels and way quicker with the install" bit. And i get put on hold. for seven minutes. and not just "your call is important to us" hold, but "those other services aren't as good as we are! we're the best and have been in business in the valley for over fifty year! we take pride in our service to you" hold AND with every minute that someone does not answer your call, you have to repeatedly press "0" to continue to hold. It's the "are you sure you want to continue to hold to talk to us? Really, are you sure? Just checking. Okay, now? Are you still sure now?" hold.
So after seven minutes of affirming my desire to talk to someone, I finally get a person on the line. I explain that I would like to cancel my installation and the girl checks my phone number, verifies my address and then says, "Okay, i've gone ahead and canceled that for you. Have a good day." Click.
No "i'm sorry to see you go" "is there something we could have done better?" "can i help you with anything else today, like perhaps our internet or telephone service?" or "we're currently offering free HD and DVR for the next three months if you'd like to stay on with us." none of that. just an okay, goodbye, click.
It's like the people here don't even give a shit if you give them business. I'd love to keep my money local, but a three week wait for a handful of channels that are twice as expensive as the other guy, topped with no attempt to even try to retain me as a customer, well, that's just a bad business plan.
And don't even get me started on the heating oil company.
HOW DO YOU PEOPLE GET OTHER PEOPLE TO GIVE YOU MONEY? WHO IS GIVING YOU THEIR MONEY??
i don't get it. i just don't get it. don't you want me to give you my money?
9.19.2011
walmart condos
overheard in the bloom walmart on sunday (the lord's day!)...
near the health/beauty/pet supply area (i was looking for doggy chew toys and mrs meyers hand soap) a mother, her daughter (rough age estimate? early 20s) and her daughter's newborn are walking with the baby's daddy.
the girl says, "and condoms, we have to pick up some condoms."
the boy says, "oh hell no. we are not buying condoms."
girl quickly responds, "well, unless you want another one of these," gesturing towards the babe, "we're getting them."
and the mother/grandmother says something like, "yes, yes, condoms."
the boy continues to assert that he is not wearing condoms and than asks granny, "now let me ask you a question - do YOU still use condoms? no, no. i am NOT wearing a condom. no, never."
grandmammy finally said, "fine. you stay here. we're going to get them and we'll meet you right back here."
lay down that law, grandmommy!
at this point, i decided i had followed too closely behind them for far too long already to attempt to stick around and hear the ensuing debate once the ladies returned with their shopping cart full of rubber. sad. i do so wonder how they will ever convince him to wrap it up.
near the health/beauty/pet supply area (i was looking for doggy chew toys and mrs meyers hand soap) a mother, her daughter (rough age estimate? early 20s) and her daughter's newborn are walking with the baby's daddy.
the girl says, "and condoms, we have to pick up some condoms."
the boy says, "oh hell no. we are not buying condoms."
girl quickly responds, "well, unless you want another one of these," gesturing towards the babe, "we're getting them."
and the mother/grandmother says something like, "yes, yes, condoms."
the boy continues to assert that he is not wearing condoms and than asks granny, "now let me ask you a question - do YOU still use condoms? no, no. i am NOT wearing a condom. no, never."
grandmammy finally said, "fine. you stay here. we're going to get them and we'll meet you right back here."
lay down that law, grandmommy!
at this point, i decided i had followed too closely behind them for far too long already to attempt to stick around and hear the ensuing debate once the ladies returned with their shopping cart full of rubber. sad. i do so wonder how they will ever convince him to wrap it up.
8.17.2011
and now back to your regularly scheduled bee
oh snap. that's right. blogger hiatus over. i promise this time i'll last at least a week. i have plenty to say about the recycling in this town. that is, if i don't die first.
we found these baby pumpkin looking berries growing along our grape vine just after i moved in two weeks ago. they started with little white flowers and then all turned into green babe pumpkins.
after they ripen, they turn dark purple, almost black. if you look in the background on the right, you can see where the birds ate the ripe ones off the stem - that blurry bright purple spot - that's them. the black berry oozes fuchsia all over.
so naturally i was curious and pulled one off the stem and squeezed it 'til it burst. fuchsia color everywhere. my fingers are still pink-purple. then i licked it. (i know the one rule of the wilderness is to never eat shit when you don't know what it is, but whatever this isn't kryptonite). it tasted bitter so i spit it out and played around with the seeds a little bit, smushing fuchsia even more all over my fingers. then i came inside and asked twitter if they knew what it was.
fortunately - twitter DID know what it was!
unfortunately - it's pokeweed. poisonous to mammals when eaten raw! hooray! let's go back to that dont-eat-shit-if-you-dont-know-it's-totally-non threatening-and-not-poisonous. lesson learned.
yours in pokeberries, unless i die tomorrow.
we found these baby pumpkin looking berries growing along our grape vine just after i moved in two weeks ago. they started with little white flowers and then all turned into green babe pumpkins.
after they ripen, they turn dark purple, almost black. if you look in the background on the right, you can see where the birds ate the ripe ones off the stem - that blurry bright purple spot - that's them. the black berry oozes fuchsia all over.
so naturally i was curious and pulled one off the stem and squeezed it 'til it burst. fuchsia color everywhere. my fingers are still pink-purple. then i licked it. (i know the one rule of the wilderness is to never eat shit when you don't know what it is, but whatever this isn't kryptonite). it tasted bitter so i spit it out and played around with the seeds a little bit, smushing fuchsia even more all over my fingers. then i came inside and asked twitter if they knew what it was.
fortunately - twitter DID know what it was!
unfortunately - it's pokeweed. poisonous to mammals when eaten raw! hooray! let's go back to that dont-eat-shit-if-you-dont-know-it's-totally-non threatening-and-not-poisonous. lesson learned.
yours in pokeberries, unless i die tomorrow.
4.18.2011
before and after
i've seen this on another Philly blog but can't for the life of me remember. either way, this is what excited me today. and note, that's definitely the crew for the reese movie, how do you know, which i only just added to my netflix queue two seconds ago.
even though the building on the left is no longer a hospital and the building on the right is just a glorified hollywood set, it's cool when things stay the same. but where is the 1950's honest tom's taco truck??
1956
2009
even though the building on the left is no longer a hospital and the building on the right is just a glorified hollywood set, it's cool when things stay the same. but where is the 1950's honest tom's taco truck??
12.16.2010
the listicle in review
earlier this year, i started a list.. it was going to be of all the things i wanted to do in the next year. i think it was going to be 100 things in 1000 days or something to that effect. the sad part is that i never even got to listing 100 really awesome things that i wanted to do so i didn't publicize it much. it pretty much just sat dormant on my computer hard drive until today.
even before going through the list, i can say that in the end, what i spent most of my time doing this year wasn't even something that was on the list. a lot of it was barely even remotely close to being on the list. i spent 200+ hours of my life studying to become a yoga instructor. hours reading the sutras and attempting to meditate and practicing the asanas and all of that. and the closest it got to being on the list was a few yoga poses that i wanted to perfect. or rather, just conform my body into. to be honest, i'm not even sure how close i am to those. let's take a look:
Food (at home)
1. Make a damn good chili
this is a truth fact. i made an excellent chili. it took two tries to get it, but it was awesome. i know it was awesome because we came home really drunk one night and everyone ate it all and then asked for seconds. and drunk people never lie.
2. Use my slow cooker at least twice this year
i don't believe i've reached this. i don't think i've even used my crock pot once, which is sad because it was all i wanted to christmas two years ago. i have to start using it. it's a spectacular cooking invention.
3. Make more bundts
i didn't do this one either, but to be fair, i did spend a lot of time trying my hand at ayurvedic muffins this summer which eventually turned into a bake sale where me and partner in baking crime raised $300 that we donated to Philabundance. so bundts, no, but baking, yes.
4. Make my own yogurt
nope. not even close.
5. Make my own granola
also not even on my radar
6. Cook a meat that’s not chicken or pork (these are my specialties and I have never in my life ever cooked a steak or lamb of even some damned ground beef)
also, no. this summer my roommate and i got a CSA and even though it was only half a share, we had enough veggies to last us through each week. in fact, for a month after our newest roommate moved in, she thought the two of us were vegetarians because she had never seen either of us cook or eat meat!
7. Incorporate Ayurvedic theories into meal planning
in some semblance, yes, but mostly only when i order chinese. and the dosha muffins. there were plenty of dosha muffins to be found this year.
8. Make my own chicken stock and soup
chicken stock? no. veggie stock? yes. same same for soups - made a lot of soup this year but none were chicken in nature
9. Make momma’s chicken and rice
and no. again with the meat, no. i don't think i've cooked meat in months. i would say at least six months. maybe nine. it's unclear.
10. This is the supreme goal which is actually another dozen food goals in and of itself but… reinvent and make this year’s Ukrainian Christmas Eve dinner
sigh. this will definitely not be happening this year which i'm very sad about, but christmas is only a week away and i didn't really do much at all. i will, however, be making the borscht this year, so at least there's that.
Restaurants That I’ve Never Been To
1. Village Whiskey
mmm, burgers with S and C. check!
2. Grace Tavern
nope, still not yet.
3. Cafe con Chocolate
yes and yes.
4. Kong
not even close
5. Buddakan
yes, with the old roommate!
Books to Finish Reading
1. Snark, David Denby
i have come to terms with the fact that i will never finish reading all 60 pages of this book
2. The Help, Kathryn Stockett
yes, so good!
3. The Hour I First Believed, Wally Lamb
yes, finally! a year later!
4. The Invisible Wall, Harry Bernstein
no. 5. Common Wealth, Jeffrey Sachs
no.
6. Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom
yes!
7. Cradle to Cradle, Bill Mcdonough
no.
8. Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden
no.
9. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
no.
10. Why Buildings Stand Up, Mario Salvadori
no.
Yoga
1. Set up a home practice of some sort
yes, kind of, vaguely, okay, maybe not really.
2. Stick to a yoga schedule (at least 1x a week)
AHA! yes times a thousand! how about sixteen hours a weekend, listicle???
3. Get into a full eka pada rajakapotasana
ugh, sads, no. i am beginning to think that this pose may take years to manifest itself into my body
4. Take artsy yoga pose photos with Shelb
nope, but she took them with her bf, so that counts for half?
5. Arm balances!
what up, bakasana? what up, working on handstands?
Travel
1. Arizona to see Louisa and Mav
YES PLUS ZOEY.
2. San Diego to see Jennie
no, sads. maybe next year
Do This Everyday For A Week/Month? How Long?
1. Blog
eh.
2. Get to work on time
ooph, mayyybe.
3. Bedtime at 9 (this may help numero dos)
ha.
4. Meditate
mmmm, three days in row? one time for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. that should count for something, because that fucking HARD.
5. Run
dear running, let's you and i never meet again, okay? i love the yoga and i hate you. it's official. sorry, no hard feelings?
Don’t Do This At ALL For A Week/Maybe Lent?
1. Twitter
THE TWITTER HIATUS OF 2K10. RIP @_missbee
2. Facebook
hmm. maybe not this one. there have been mini hiati, but i doubt any lasted for a week
3. Personal email during work
ha.
4. Eat meat!
hmm. maybe, perhaps, not really sure. i didn't keep a good log, but i'd say there's a vaguely 60% this happened.
Etc.
1. Brush up on my French
non, je regrette. and i dont even know if that's spelled right.
2. Donate old clothes that I don’t wear anymore
in the process. the bags have been sitting in my room for weeks now, just have to take them over to the salvation army.
3. Organize closet space
kind of, yes! at least one closet!, no, two!
4. Win at least once at Johnny Goodtimes quizzo
hmmm, think not, but we did win a baller last place prize of a hot air balloon calendar! so that counts, i think
5. Learn how to snowboard
well, i got on a snowboard. twice. and didn't end up crying in the middle of the mountain or in the hospital, so i think that gets half credit.
6. Take a class at DU
yeah no.
7. Run from home to the Art Museum
damn you, hc sweatpants.
8. Finish le Broad Street Run
didn't even start.
9. Sky dive
nope - but i SCUBA DIVED! WHICH WASNT ON THE LIST!
10. Learn to drive stick shift
nah
11. Repot the ivies and other plants
yes, and bought new plants!
12. Put up some photos in my office
yes!
overall, i'd say i didn't hit half the shit on my list, but i wouldn't call it a failure either. i spent a lot of time doing other extracurriculars instead (the yoga training and scuba diving, mostly). and i'm almost finished watching The Wire which is maybe The Best Television Series Of Life.
plus i drove through the blue ridge mountains, sent out an RFP for a potentially $60M+ building project, rearranged my bedroom, ate at zahav, unclogged a sink drain with my own brute strength, used fennel for the first time ever, went to yogaville, learned what the heck tat soi was, made life altering decisions, applied for a new job, threw out half my makeup, won money at the craps table, became lactose intolerant, flew in a helicopter, went to a county fair, and didn't have any completely major mental breakdowns. i said completely major.
so thank you to everyone who bruised a coccyx, got their auras read, felt completely overwhelmed by vegetables, missed a quizzo question, tweeted the crap out of the cliff lee trade, ate brunch, drank girly drinks, spent three hours throwing themselves into handstands, meditated, laughed, cried, played, tried, tweeted about anything really, took photos, played in the snow and drank hot toddies, mopped an overflowing kitchen sink, went to cantina, the phils, the eagles, black sheep, landmark and/or drove more than two hours in a car with me and read my blog this past year. major hearts and friendship dust to all of you.
even before going through the list, i can say that in the end, what i spent most of my time doing this year wasn't even something that was on the list. a lot of it was barely even remotely close to being on the list. i spent 200+ hours of my life studying to become a yoga instructor. hours reading the sutras and attempting to meditate and practicing the asanas and all of that. and the closest it got to being on the list was a few yoga poses that i wanted to perfect. or rather, just conform my body into. to be honest, i'm not even sure how close i am to those. let's take a look:
Food (at home)
1. Make a damn good chili
this is a truth fact. i made an excellent chili. it took two tries to get it, but it was awesome. i know it was awesome because we came home really drunk one night and everyone ate it all and then asked for seconds. and drunk people never lie.
2. Use my slow cooker at least twice this year
i don't believe i've reached this. i don't think i've even used my crock pot once, which is sad because it was all i wanted to christmas two years ago. i have to start using it. it's a spectacular cooking invention.
3. Make more bundts
i didn't do this one either, but to be fair, i did spend a lot of time trying my hand at ayurvedic muffins this summer which eventually turned into a bake sale where me and partner in baking crime raised $300 that we donated to Philabundance. so bundts, no, but baking, yes.
4. Make my own yogurt
nope. not even close.
5. Make my own granola
also not even on my radar
6. Cook a meat that’s not chicken or pork (these are my specialties and I have never in my life ever cooked a steak or lamb of even some damned ground beef)
also, no. this summer my roommate and i got a CSA and even though it was only half a share, we had enough veggies to last us through each week. in fact, for a month after our newest roommate moved in, she thought the two of us were vegetarians because she had never seen either of us cook or eat meat!
7. Incorporate Ayurvedic theories into meal planning
in some semblance, yes, but mostly only when i order chinese. and the dosha muffins. there were plenty of dosha muffins to be found this year.
8. Make my own chicken stock and soup
chicken stock? no. veggie stock? yes. same same for soups - made a lot of soup this year but none were chicken in nature
9. Make momma’s chicken and rice
and no. again with the meat, no. i don't think i've cooked meat in months. i would say at least six months. maybe nine. it's unclear.
10. This is the supreme goal which is actually another dozen food goals in and of itself but… reinvent and make this year’s Ukrainian Christmas Eve dinner
sigh. this will definitely not be happening this year which i'm very sad about, but christmas is only a week away and i didn't really do much at all. i will, however, be making the borscht this year, so at least there's that.
Restaurants That I’ve Never Been To
1. Village Whiskey
mmm, burgers with S and C. check!
2. Grace Tavern
nope, still not yet.
3. Cafe con Chocolate
yes and yes.
4. Kong
not even close
5. Buddakan
yes, with the old roommate!
Books to Finish Reading
1. Snark, David Denby
i have come to terms with the fact that i will never finish reading all 60 pages of this book
2. The Help, Kathryn Stockett
yes, so good!
3. The Hour I First Believed, Wally Lamb
yes, finally! a year later!
4. The Invisible Wall, Harry Bernstein
no. 5. Common Wealth, Jeffrey Sachs
no.
6. Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom
yes!
7. Cradle to Cradle, Bill Mcdonough
no.
8. Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden
no.
9. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
no.
10. Why Buildings Stand Up, Mario Salvadori
no.
Yoga
1. Set up a home practice of some sort
yes, kind of, vaguely, okay, maybe not really.
2. Stick to a yoga schedule (at least 1x a week)
AHA! yes times a thousand! how about sixteen hours a weekend, listicle???
3. Get into a full eka pada rajakapotasana
ugh, sads, no. i am beginning to think that this pose may take years to manifest itself into my body
4. Take artsy yoga pose photos with Shelb
nope, but she took them with her bf, so that counts for half?
5. Arm balances!
what up, bakasana? what up, working on handstands?
Travel
1. Arizona to see Louisa and Mav
YES PLUS ZOEY.
2. San Diego to see Jennie
no, sads. maybe next year
Do This Everyday For A Week/Month? How Long?
1. Blog
eh.
2. Get to work on time
ooph, mayyybe.
3. Bedtime at 9 (this may help numero dos)
ha.
4. Meditate
mmmm, three days in row? one time for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. that should count for something, because that fucking HARD.
5. Run
dear running, let's you and i never meet again, okay? i love the yoga and i hate you. it's official. sorry, no hard feelings?
Don’t Do This At ALL For A Week/Maybe Lent?
1. Twitter
THE TWITTER HIATUS OF 2K10. RIP @_missbee
2. Facebook
hmm. maybe not this one. there have been mini hiati, but i doubt any lasted for a week
3. Personal email during work
ha.
4. Eat meat!
hmm. maybe, perhaps, not really sure. i didn't keep a good log, but i'd say there's a vaguely 60% this happened.
Etc.
1. Brush up on my French
non, je regrette. and i dont even know if that's spelled right.
2. Donate old clothes that I don’t wear anymore
in the process. the bags have been sitting in my room for weeks now, just have to take them over to the salvation army.
3. Organize closet space
kind of, yes! at least one closet!, no, two!
4. Win at least once at Johnny Goodtimes quizzo
hmmm, think not, but we did win a baller last place prize of a hot air balloon calendar! so that counts, i think
5. Learn how to snowboard
well, i got on a snowboard. twice. and didn't end up crying in the middle of the mountain or in the hospital, so i think that gets half credit.
6. Take a class at DU
yeah no.
7. Run from home to the Art Museum
damn you, hc sweatpants.
8. Finish le Broad Street Run
didn't even start.
9. Sky dive
nope - but i SCUBA DIVED! WHICH WASNT ON THE LIST!
10. Learn to drive stick shift
nah
11. Repot the ivies and other plants
yes, and bought new plants!
12. Put up some photos in my office
yes!
overall, i'd say i didn't hit half the shit on my list, but i wouldn't call it a failure either. i spent a lot of time doing other extracurriculars instead (the yoga training and scuba diving, mostly). and i'm almost finished watching The Wire which is maybe The Best Television Series Of Life.
plus i drove through the blue ridge mountains, sent out an RFP for a potentially $60M+ building project, rearranged my bedroom, ate at zahav, unclogged a sink drain with my own brute strength, used fennel for the first time ever, went to yogaville, learned what the heck tat soi was, made life altering decisions, applied for a new job, threw out half my makeup, won money at the craps table, became lactose intolerant, flew in a helicopter, went to a county fair, and didn't have any completely major mental breakdowns. i said completely major.
so thank you to everyone who bruised a coccyx, got their auras read, felt completely overwhelmed by vegetables, missed a quizzo question, tweeted the crap out of the cliff lee trade, ate brunch, drank girly drinks, spent three hours throwing themselves into handstands, meditated, laughed, cried, played, tried, tweeted about anything really, took photos, played in the snow and drank hot toddies, mopped an overflowing kitchen sink, went to cantina, the phils, the eagles, black sheep, landmark and/or drove more than two hours in a car with me and read my blog this past year. major hearts and friendship dust to all of you.
9.09.2010
i stand with Old Manayunk
what up, nerds? let's splash back into action, shall we?
dear people of manayunk:
y'all are idiots. you knew there was a church in close proximity to your house when you bought it/rented it. and if you didn't know, well, then maybe you should have done a little more research. people who complain about conditions already established well before they ever moved in get no sympathy from me. and i ask you, cory peters, 21, of UPenn/(i assume) Wharton status, what kind of clock chimes only once at noon? 7 AM is hardly a ridiculous time to wake up so get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and hit the books, you lazy bum. maybe if you didn't sleep until noon every day, you wouldn't be such a cranky pants.
heart, bee
dear people of manayunk:
y'all are idiots. you knew there was a church in close proximity to your house when you bought it/rented it. and if you didn't know, well, then maybe you should have done a little more research. people who complain about conditions already established well before they ever moved in get no sympathy from me. and i ask you, cory peters, 21, of UPenn/(i assume) Wharton status, what kind of clock chimes only once at noon? 7 AM is hardly a ridiculous time to wake up so get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and hit the books, you lazy bum. maybe if you didn't sleep until noon every day, you wouldn't be such a cranky pants.
heart, bee
7.15.2010
on ugly ass aquatic creatures
i didn't even have to go to florida to see sharks! they are right here! swimming around in new jersey! i want you all to know that i just google imaged "shark" for another ten minutes just now. i am sitting in my cube, not in scuba gear, and pretty much crapping myself. from google images. i hate the internets.
i should let you know right now, we didn't see any sharks when we were in the keys. yes, i went scuba diving in the keys and i got to see was this ugly mug:
now i bet you're all like, "what the crap is that thing?" that thing is a cot damn barracuda. and they are ugly. and we saw lots of them. and they lurked. under coral. under the boat like a creepy stalker. and swimming all around. and they are long. and gross. more photos!
to be honest, when mr bee first pointed two of them out, i thought they were, in fact, sharks and he was being a dick, pointing them out to me so that i poop my bikini bottoms. in my defense, the first two i saw were swimming along, off the distance and the visibility was not the greatest. they could have been baby sharks. and you people know that i enjoy baby things. i do not enjoy barracudas. or baby barracudas. they are all just grossness. gross lurking grossers. they kind of just stared at you like, "bitch, what are you looking at?" i am surprised that there are not more barracuda villains in Disney movies. but i guess that what they used the moray eels for.
the ocean has some gross things in it, let me tell you.
we saw some other cool things and i pretty much looked like this the entire time:
and now i am home and safe from barracudas. i didn't see any sharks - boo. i did see some barracudas - yay. and i can swim underwater for forty minutes because i'm a baller.
i did, however, have a run-in with some fire coral, which is not at all actually related to coral (much like how red pandas aren't actually pandas.) this is it:
it stung like a mother and looked like my arm walked into a nest of angry wasps. GROSS. grosser than barracuda, even. which was super sad because the reason we were in the keys in the first place was for a wedding. so now i have barracuda arm in the wedding photos, no matter how hard i tried to discretely tuck my right arm behind me and fist pump with my left. i can only hope the photographer is also an airbrush photoshop master.
i should let you know right now, we didn't see any sharks when we were in the keys. yes, i went scuba diving in the keys and i got to see was this ugly mug:
now i bet you're all like, "what the crap is that thing?" that thing is a cot damn barracuda. and they are ugly. and we saw lots of them. and they lurked. under coral. under the boat like a creepy stalker. and swimming all around. and they are long. and gross. more photos!
to be honest, when mr bee first pointed two of them out, i thought they were, in fact, sharks and he was being a dick, pointing them out to me so that i poop my bikini bottoms. in my defense, the first two i saw were swimming along, off the distance and the visibility was not the greatest. they could have been baby sharks. and you people know that i enjoy baby things. i do not enjoy barracudas. or baby barracudas. they are all just grossness. gross lurking grossers. they kind of just stared at you like, "bitch, what are you looking at?" i am surprised that there are not more barracuda villains in Disney movies. but i guess that what they used the moray eels for.
(image)
we saw some other cool things and i pretty much looked like this the entire time:
i did, however, have a run-in with some fire coral, which is not at all actually related to coral (much like how red pandas aren't actually pandas.) this is it:
7.08.2010
on swimming with sharks and death
this could very well be my last blog post ever.
tomorrow, i am going to go scuba dive in the keys. with sharks.
let's visualize this for a second please.
THIS i can handle:
and make it out alive, i will forever dance across the glorious pavement singing the "i'm the most bad ass person in my vicinity right now" song. that's right, bitches. i'm a baby and a bad ass mother fucker all rolled into one. i know it's possible; meredith brooks told me so.
for serious, light a candle or pray or swing your chakra beads over your head for me tonight.
tomorrow, i am going to go scuba dive in the keys. with sharks.
let's visualize this for a second please.
THIS i can handle:
Both the shark and the baby are very adorable. i would like take both of them home with me.
THIS i can not:
there is nothing cute about this. i am already pooping my pants in my office right now. in fact, if i were under this group of hammer fucking head sharks, i can assure you that i would shit my rented wet suit, puke into my regulator and pray to every single christian, jewish, hindu, muslim, and native american god that they just put me out of my misery and devour me quickly.
i also hope that i lose my contacts so that i am as blind as a bat that they don't see me. i mean, i dont see them. that's how it works right? if i can't see you... oh christ. i hope i dont actually lose my contacts.
and, if i miraculously come face to face with this:
for serious, light a candle or pray or swing your chakra beads over your head for me tonight.
7.02.2010
on birthing days
i solemnly swear to not talk about placenta or post a picture of it. otherwise, enjoy the story of my birth:
26 years ago, my momma was just hanging out a day before my due date when she started to have back pains. just kidding, momma - you're in labor! she didn't even REALIZE it until our neighbor said, "peggy ann, for real, woman, you're having a baby." ahhh, so to the hospital they go.
mom wasn't totally dilated yet, so dad hung out in the hallway with the doc and the nurse. the doctor mentioned an article he had just read in a medical journal that stated that normal/average/regular dudes have seven to ten erections a night. he was in the process of trying to convince his wife to stay up all night one day to run a tally. he wanted to see if he was average.
so then, the nurse mentioned that she was hungry or thirsty or wanted to get away from erection talk or something, so the doc told her to go grab something to eat while they waited for me.
half an hour later, a really tall nurse comes back and says, "ZOMG you'll NEVER GUESS what just happened! Nurse 1 was just in the cafeteria getting tea and the water from the machine splashed out and HIT HER IN THE EYE, burning it! she just went to the ER." no big. sorry, Nurse 1. welcome to my delivery, Nurse 2.
so Nurse 2 joins my dad and the doc and they head into the delivery room. the doc is moving things around and there is this huge, giant metal lamp that he readjusts to see better. as he's moving it, the big tall nurse walks right into it, slicing a GIANT BLEEDING GASH across her forehead. Nurse 2 down for the count and out to the ER herself. oy vey. peace out Nurse 2, please come in Nurse 3. we're having a party here! Nurse 3 enters and apparently manages to make it through my delivery without sustaining any type of emergency medical care. unclear how she managed that, but good on her.
drama drama drama and i wasn't even breathing air yet. whatevs. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.
oh, and happy independence day to you!
6.16.2010
6.15.2010
on yoga and baby elephants
i found this entry on my computer last sunday. coincidentally, i wrote on the first day of teacher training and found it on the last day. i think i'll share
Today was the first day of yoga teacher training. I guess I should take some notes on how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, etc so I can assess some sort of process and forward progress. I don’t know if that’s where this is going. I’m not exactly sure what I should be writing about. I don’t know that there are these measurable things... I guess I can start with OM. I really don't think i can om long enough. I feel like I never have enough breath and such to make it as long as everyone else. Do other people have this crazy, neurotic fear of OM, too?
So, anyway, we started out the day with chanting to the Hindu god, Ganesha. I am just guessing that Ganesha is a Hindu god, though it's a pretty good guess. I know he is an elephant, but that is all. I just did a Google image search and it kind of looks like Ganesha might be a girl. There are some images with some curly, curly eyelashes. As you can also see, I don’t know shit about Ganesha. Except that he/she is pretty important, is an elephant, and likes to bash shit down. Ganesha is Wack-A-Mole of life’s obstacles, apparently, which is probably why we opened with chants to him. Starting something new, especially something as committed as a yoga teacher training, is bound to have obstacles within it. So Ganesh, I hope our chanting worked. I hope I can remember your powerful elephant trunk when obstacles pop up.
After opening mantras, we spent a lot of time going through everyone’s name, astrological sign, pets, and their own yoga stories. D told hers, which involved her falling into yoga to avoid getting her perm wet sometime in the 80s and I told mine which included vomitting during a Bikram class. We all have to start somewhere.
There seem to be a lot of dancers or ex-dancers in this class and a lot of people really into that whole Energy Moving, Reiki Healing stuff. I felt a little intimidated, as I guess most everyone did.
After introduction time, A came in to break down Sun Salutations for us. We did a few together, then she turned it around on us and had us break into groups of three and four to teach/watch/do our own Sun Salutations. The other girls in my group all shied away from the teaching/speaking portion first, and normally I would too. I guess because no one else stepped up, in a very unlike me move, I said, “oh alright, I’ll start.”
I’ll tell you right now, it was a god damn mess. I had the girls inhaling their exhales and going from Down Dog to Headstand and it was just all messed up. (I didn’t actually have them go from Down Dog to Headstand, but that’s what it felt like). I must have done hundreds of Sun Salutations in my life. I can do them in my room right now, just to show you. But for the life of me, telling someone else how to do a Sun Salutation was HARD. So hard, in fact, that I thought, “just what the HELL am I doing here right now?” I’m 100% sure all the other girls (or at least, the ones in my group) thought the same thing. At least that was comforting.
We all got to run through giving out the instructions to each other a few times and by the third time, it was much easier to remember “inhale, raise your arms up overhead.” Perhaps some of us are born with the ability to roll perfect Sun Salutations off our tongues. Perhaps the mouth needs to warm itself up, not unlike the rest of our muscles. Perhaps it takes time for these things to unfold. Or perhaps, we’re all just baby elephants, blinding trying to get through the first few days without our big, giant trunks getting in the way.
Today was the first day of yoga teacher training. I guess I should take some notes on how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, etc so I can assess some sort of process and forward progress. I don’t know if that’s where this is going. I’m not exactly sure what I should be writing about. I don’t know that there are these measurable things... I guess I can start with OM. I really don't think i can om long enough. I feel like I never have enough breath and such to make it as long as everyone else. Do other people have this crazy, neurotic fear of OM, too?
So, anyway, we started out the day with chanting to the Hindu god, Ganesha. I am just guessing that Ganesha is a Hindu god, though it's a pretty good guess. I know he is an elephant, but that is all. I just did a Google image search and it kind of looks like Ganesha might be a girl. There are some images with some curly, curly eyelashes. As you can also see, I don’t know shit about Ganesha. Except that he/she is pretty important, is an elephant, and likes to bash shit down. Ganesha is Wack-A-Mole of life’s obstacles, apparently, which is probably why we opened with chants to him. Starting something new, especially something as committed as a yoga teacher training, is bound to have obstacles within it. So Ganesh, I hope our chanting worked. I hope I can remember your powerful elephant trunk when obstacles pop up.
After opening mantras, we spent a lot of time going through everyone’s name, astrological sign, pets, and their own yoga stories. D told hers, which involved her falling into yoga to avoid getting her perm wet sometime in the 80s and I told mine which included vomitting during a Bikram class. We all have to start somewhere.
There seem to be a lot of dancers or ex-dancers in this class and a lot of people really into that whole Energy Moving, Reiki Healing stuff. I felt a little intimidated, as I guess most everyone did.
After introduction time, A came in to break down Sun Salutations for us. We did a few together, then she turned it around on us and had us break into groups of three and four to teach/watch/do our own Sun Salutations. The other girls in my group all shied away from the teaching/speaking portion first, and normally I would too. I guess because no one else stepped up, in a very unlike me move, I said, “oh alright, I’ll start.”
I’ll tell you right now, it was a god damn mess. I had the girls inhaling their exhales and going from Down Dog to Headstand and it was just all messed up. (I didn’t actually have them go from Down Dog to Headstand, but that’s what it felt like). I must have done hundreds of Sun Salutations in my life. I can do them in my room right now, just to show you. But for the life of me, telling someone else how to do a Sun Salutation was HARD. So hard, in fact, that I thought, “just what the HELL am I doing here right now?” I’m 100% sure all the other girls (or at least, the ones in my group) thought the same thing. At least that was comforting.
We all got to run through giving out the instructions to each other a few times and by the third time, it was much easier to remember “inhale, raise your arms up overhead.” Perhaps some of us are born with the ability to roll perfect Sun Salutations off our tongues. Perhaps the mouth needs to warm itself up, not unlike the rest of our muscles. Perhaps it takes time for these things to unfold. Or perhaps, we’re all just baby elephants, blinding trying to get through the first few days without our big, giant trunks getting in the way.
6.11.2010
on The Miserables
i have an announcement about The Miserables.
i have been researching my own miserables via a super secret twitter account who's sole purpose on the internets is to track The Miserables AS THEY HAPPEN. i have been able to ascertain that The Miserables always appear in groups. it is unclear whether they send in the strongest of The Miserables first to break you down and make you more susceptible to other Miserables or if they just always attack in large numbers, attempting a rapid-fire technique to see what sticks. i can officially say that The Miserables almost always travel in packs. they are more dangerous than our high tech lab technicians had previously believed. one Miserable and your whole day is off. The Miserables are nothing to mess around with. they will eat your mind, body, and soul. not much is known about how to rid of The Miserables, but i highly suggest you stay away from the Wawa at 10th and Walnut, a known breeding ground for The Miserables. you should probably also stay away from G-Lounge, just to be on the safe side. some believe that the well known home remedy of an entire half-gallon of ice cream will keep The Miserables at bay, while others swear by a full box IV of red Franzia. whatever you do, keep yourselves safe out there. it is almost the weekend and we don't need any miserables mucking shit up, so consider this your official PSA of the day to stay aware of The Miserables.
stay alert.
stay alive.
stay away from The Miserables.
6.01.2010
on communities sharing their agriculture
here's a quick pic of our veggie share from our CSA last week. no no, not the Confederate States of America or the Canadien Space Agency or even the California Society of Anesthesiologists, but Community-Supported Agriculture. because we're hippie-dippie over here. and we like to try new things. and eat a lot of lettuce, you'll see.
i am quite certain that the half-share is enough for me and my roommate, A. i am also quite certain that the insane amount of lettuce is going to continue as today's scheduled pick up includes more lettuce, more kale, and the addition of spinach, cress and garlic scapes (wtf is garlic scapes!?).
did you know that radishes are spicy? bizarre. i am now well aware of why i didn't eat radishes before. thank god we aren't receiving more radishes today.
i had to google-research scallions last week because i didnt really know how to use those and all i found was this:
(taken from the nibble.com)
and this:
for. real. scallions are for making weird vegetable puppets. talk about playing with your food.
and when you google-research scapes, the all-mighty powers that be ask if you mean scabies. uh no, i did not mean scabies. you can google-image that one yourself to figure out the difference. gross. they did not ask if i meant professor snape, which i feel may be a more accurate comparison to scapes. apparently scapes are good friends with the washington post and enjoy being made into pesto sauces. i'll report back, potentially with pictures, maybe with puppets.
5.25.2010
on the flyers and lord stanley
i have the sads. the flyers are going to the stanley cup. why is this so sads, you may ask? well, the sads is because i haven't paid much attention to hockey in years. i have the sads because i am not a real flyers fan anymore, when this is clearly the most awesomest time to be one since seventh grade. which, coincidentally may have been when both my interest and the talent of the flyers peaked. it's been crash and burn ever since.
i still wish i had my Lindros in front of the art museum poster up. he was a dreamboat, that eric. my mom loved john leclair. and then my dad told me that "brind'amour" meant lover of bread and i thought that was a stupid last name for a hockey player. but since then, my parents have traded in their season tickets for a house in the poconos and i'm pretty sure i only went to one game with my sis and the parentals this year. maybe two games, but i'm pretty sure just one.
so i am getting back in the game and to start i will now present to you...
My Awesometastic Slash Based on Nothing Really Factually Relevant and/or Perhaps Even Remotely Correct Guide to the 2010 Eastern Conference Champs Slash YOUR Philadelphia Flyers:
Hartnell - he has the crazy hair and i bet he's probably pretty goofy in the locker room. i'm talking whoopie pad crap.
The Center City Line - i think this one got fucked up when one of them got traded but i still really like the idea of an awesome line like the Legion of Doom. MOAR WITTY LINE NAMES, PLZ.
Jeff Carter - the one that my sister likes. the one the whole delaware valley likes.
Simon Gagne - the only one who's been on the team for a super long time anymore. his last name means "win." IT'S DESTINY, BITCHES.
Danny Briere - sounds like he'd be totally hot, but i'm pretty sure he's not. also, maybe starred in some sort of Buffalo-centric eastern motors rip off type commercial
That Guy That Everyone Calls "Lappy" - he probably knows a good dentist in philly if you're in the market
Carcillo - likes to fight people. if they made a bobblehead out of him, they'd probably just give him bobble gloves instead
Cote - i feel like i should know something about him, but i'm at a total loss
Mike Richards - he's like Charlie Conway in my childhood favorite movie the Mighty Ducks (the original). all around good guy. the captain.
You don't really need to know any of the defensive guys except maybe Pronger and Kimmo, who is pretty much an ancient sage at this point.
As for the goalies, my brother tells me that Bouche is a douche who can't make easy saves so they replaced him with some guy is who is lightening on ice, if lightening could be on ice and not melt it. coincidentally, the new kid's name is Leighton so let's just go ahead and bring on all the "leight-ening" puns now. and sads for Emery who i feel is pretty cool, but he's stuck being injured.
Lauren Hart is pretty much the coolest chick ever and i've had a mad girl crush on her ever since i heard her sing. i kind of want to be lauren hart. i hear she has a record. and look, i get that she's no Kate Smith, but KS died when i was two.
That Fat Dancing Guy Named Shawny - i am positive that his title needs no more elaboration, but he has a myspace if you really need more information.
Sign Guy - again, not much more elaboration needed.
and you know what else i know? I KNOW THAT DIRECTV DOESN'T SHOW A SINGLE GAME OF THE FLYERS ON OUR TELEVISION PACKAGE ANYWAY SO EVEN IF I WANTED TO WATCH, I COULDN'T. I'D haaaaaaaaaaave TO GO TO THE BAR AND SOCIALIZE OR ELSE LISTEN TO IT ON THE RADIO which totally isn't the same or nearly as cool AS LISTENING TO THE PHILS ON THE RADIO AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED IT THE OTHER NIGHT.
if it gives me anymore street cred, CLove and i went to the Flyers Wives Fight For Lives carnival this year (thanks, her boss!) and we played that fishing game where everyone is guaranteed a prize because we are the people who need prizes guaranteed. i snagged DOS bags with my fishing line and got to pick between a plastic lunch box and mini frisbee or a teeshirt. i now have a bright orange flyers teeshirt, so there's that. that gives me some more street cred, right?
also, it's as cold as an ice rink in my office, so i thought that should also count as points for me.
AND i had two teeth removed last week (more on that later), so i'm really feeling an extra special kinship to lappy and the gang recently.
and you know what else? one person can't even finish a full deep dish pizza themselves unless you want to end up Biggest Loser so plus one (finally) for the cheesesteak! bring it, chicago.
LET'S. GO. FLYERS.
clap. clap. clapclapclap.
and here, i made you this flyers heart to prove my love:
i still wish i had my Lindros in front of the art museum poster up. he was a dreamboat, that eric. my mom loved john leclair. and then my dad told me that "brind'amour" meant lover of bread and i thought that was a stupid last name for a hockey player. but since then, my parents have traded in their season tickets for a house in the poconos and i'm pretty sure i only went to one game with my sis and the parentals this year. maybe two games, but i'm pretty sure just one.
so i am getting back in the game and to start i will now present to you...
My Awesometastic Slash Based on Nothing Really Factually Relevant and/or Perhaps Even Remotely Correct Guide to the 2010 Eastern Conference Champs Slash YOUR Philadelphia Flyers:
Hartnell - he has the crazy hair and i bet he's probably pretty goofy in the locker room. i'm talking whoopie pad crap.
The Center City Line - i think this one got fucked up when one of them got traded but i still really like the idea of an awesome line like the Legion of Doom. MOAR WITTY LINE NAMES, PLZ.
Jeff Carter - the one that my sister likes. the one the whole delaware valley likes.
Simon Gagne - the only one who's been on the team for a super long time anymore. his last name means "win." IT'S DESTINY, BITCHES.
Danny Briere - sounds like he'd be totally hot, but i'm pretty sure he's not. also, maybe starred in some sort of Buffalo-centric eastern motors rip off type commercial
That Guy That Everyone Calls "Lappy" - he probably knows a good dentist in philly if you're in the market
Carcillo - likes to fight people. if they made a bobblehead out of him, they'd probably just give him bobble gloves instead
Cote - i feel like i should know something about him, but i'm at a total loss
Mike Richards - he's like Charlie Conway in my childhood favorite movie the Mighty Ducks (the original). all around good guy. the captain.
You don't really need to know any of the defensive guys except maybe Pronger and Kimmo, who is pretty much an ancient sage at this point.
As for the goalies, my brother tells me that Bouche is a douche who can't make easy saves so they replaced him with some guy is who is lightening on ice, if lightening could be on ice and not melt it. coincidentally, the new kid's name is Leighton so let's just go ahead and bring on all the "leight-ening" puns now. and sads for Emery who i feel is pretty cool, but he's stuck being injured.
Lauren Hart is pretty much the coolest chick ever and i've had a mad girl crush on her ever since i heard her sing. i kind of want to be lauren hart. i hear she has a record. and look, i get that she's no Kate Smith, but KS died when i was two.
That Fat Dancing Guy Named Shawny - i am positive that his title needs no more elaboration, but he has a myspace if you really need more information.
Sign Guy - again, not much more elaboration needed.
and you know what else i know? I KNOW THAT DIRECTV DOESN'T SHOW A SINGLE GAME OF THE FLYERS ON OUR TELEVISION PACKAGE ANYWAY SO EVEN IF I WANTED TO WATCH, I COULDN'T. I'D haaaaaaaaaaave TO GO TO THE BAR AND SOCIALIZE OR ELSE LISTEN TO IT ON THE RADIO which totally isn't the same or nearly as cool AS LISTENING TO THE PHILS ON THE RADIO AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED IT THE OTHER NIGHT.
if it gives me anymore street cred, CLove and i went to the Flyers Wives Fight For Lives carnival this year (thanks, her boss!) and we played that fishing game where everyone is guaranteed a prize because we are the people who need prizes guaranteed. i snagged DOS bags with my fishing line and got to pick between a plastic lunch box and mini frisbee or a teeshirt. i now have a bright orange flyers teeshirt, so there's that. that gives me some more street cred, right?
also, it's as cold as an ice rink in my office, so i thought that should also count as points for me.
AND i had two teeth removed last week (more on that later), so i'm really feeling an extra special kinship to lappy and the gang recently.
and you know what else? one person can't even finish a full deep dish pizza themselves unless you want to end up Biggest Loser so plus one (finally) for the cheesesteak! bring it, chicago.
LET'S. GO. FLYERS.
clap. clap. clapclapclap.
and here, i made you this flyers heart to prove my love:
3.01.2010
jean domination
alright, jeans. things have been getting a little out of control lately. your father and i have already had this discussion with you a few times before.
now, what's this i hear about jean pajamas? oh, you didn't think anyone would tell me? how did i find out? i found out because i'm the mom and mom's always find out. (ed. note: i have ALWAYS wanted to say that to someone. also, my own mom always found out. moms are just amazing like that.)
jeans, listen. we know you're having some growing pains and for awhile you felt like you had to be at the gym every day, and then you feel the need to rebel a little bit, so you were hanging out with those weed-smoking snowboarders up in vancouver. but this just takes the cake, jeans. you can't be hopping into people's beds all day and night, like some kind of whiskey-drinking, flapper-dancing floozy.
get a hold of yourself, jean! you're turning into the cranberry of juices. you can't just go around throwing yourself into everybody's juices! you saw what happened to cranberry. she got all mixed up with the entire fruit basket and now there's a bunch of cranapple, crangrape, crankiwimangobananapears running amuk all over. call us old-fashioned, but we don't want that for you. we just want you to be happy. you should probably have a chat with your Uncle Levi about character and family values.
we want you to express yourself, we really do! that's why we never said anything when you were all distressed and shit. and remember back in the 80s when you went through that acid wash phase? we were behind you all the way. and that time, when you cut all your length off and told us you'd only answer to the name "jorts"? c'mon jeans!
i blame it on those binge-y friends of yours, those skinny jeans. if it weren't for them, you'd never be coming to us with these radical ideas of horsing around with gore-tex and lycra.
i'm sorry jeans, but we simply cannot allow you to go out all hours of the night with those pajamas. we have high expectations for you. please don't yell. just finish your green beans and go upstairs and start on your homework. you'll thank us one day. i hope.
now, what's this i hear about jean pajamas? oh, you didn't think anyone would tell me? how did i find out? i found out because i'm the mom and mom's always find out. (ed. note: i have ALWAYS wanted to say that to someone. also, my own mom always found out. moms are just amazing like that.)
jeans, listen. we know you're having some growing pains and for awhile you felt like you had to be at the gym every day, and then you feel the need to rebel a little bit, so you were hanging out with those weed-smoking snowboarders up in vancouver. but this just takes the cake, jeans. you can't be hopping into people's beds all day and night, like some kind of whiskey-drinking, flapper-dancing floozy.
get a hold of yourself, jean! you're turning into the cranberry of juices. you can't just go around throwing yourself into everybody's juices! you saw what happened to cranberry. she got all mixed up with the entire fruit basket and now there's a bunch of cranapple, crangrape, crankiwimangobananapears running amuk all over. call us old-fashioned, but we don't want that for you. we just want you to be happy. you should probably have a chat with your Uncle Levi about character and family values.
we want you to express yourself, we really do! that's why we never said anything when you were all distressed and shit. and remember back in the 80s when you went through that acid wash phase? we were behind you all the way. and that time, when you cut all your length off and told us you'd only answer to the name "jorts"? c'mon jeans!
i blame it on those binge-y friends of yours, those skinny jeans. if it weren't for them, you'd never be coming to us with these radical ideas of horsing around with gore-tex and lycra.
i'm sorry jeans, but we simply cannot allow you to go out all hours of the night with those pajamas. we have high expectations for you. please don't yell. just finish your green beans and go upstairs and start on your homework. you'll thank us one day. i hope.
2.19.2010
Quad This, Bitch!
–noun
1.ice skating in which the skater traces intricate patterns on the ice.
2.a type of ice skating developed from this, emphasizing jumps, spins, and other movements that combine athletic skills and dance techniques.
3.a competitive sport in which the skater is required to execute school figures and to perform one or more original programsof difficult jumps, spins, etc., to a musical setting.
The Official Quotes on Quad Jumps in Figure Skating:
“It’s not figure jumping; it’s figure skating.” - Frank Carroll, Evan Lysacek's coach
“Now it’s not figure skating. Now it’s dancing.” - Yevgeny Plushenko, Men's Figure Skating Silver Medalist
people, people, people. according to the almighty power that be -- dictionary.com -- this word has been around circa 1865. can we decide on a definition, please? look, yev, part of the definition involves dance techniques. you can't forget about that. but i feel you man, i feeeeeeeeeel you.
my favorite part of this debate is that it is occuring the day after the men's skating and the women's snowboarding halfpipe last night.
nearly every girl last night totally bombed a jump on the halfpipe during at least one of their runs. even the gold medalist, torah bright, had the worst friggin' run of anyone in the entire first round. the announcers just kept saying, "go big or go home" and everyone was just pulling out tricks right and left and suffering near-concussion-inducing-coccyx-breaking level falls. one chick fell twenty-two (22) feet from the air. dayum. but as they say: the bigger they are, the harder they fall; no pain, no gain; no guts, no glory; make new friends, but keep the old. whatever.
point is, this shit evolves. did anyone see scott hamilton stomping shit out with the quad in 1984?
no, because people didn't even HAVE quads in 1984. your patella went straight to your hip, from what i hear. life and sports evolve. like monkies and quad jumps. see that first definition? figure skating used to be just making some damn crazy eights on the ice. it was crazy, go crazy! now we have axles and lutzes and mc-corkin-borkin rotations.
listen, Figure Skating, and listen well, because as an olympic event not based on speed, you guys are going to have to step it up a little. should you need to perform a quad toe loop in order to secure a gold medal? eh, maybe not. but i've seen a thousand triple toe loop, lutz, salchows, to last me a lifetime. i better see some f'ing quintuplet loops in Sochi or i'm going to be one unhappy camper. entertain us, dammit! actually, can we get some quint salchows up in here? the word salchow needs a comeback, i think. and it starts with you, sochi. let's do this. go big or make like a leaf and get the fuck outta here.
BUT if figure skating is determined to stay static, then perhaps plushenko should consider snowboarding. i hear shaun white doesn't settle for quad crap.
ps. johnny weir was totally robbed.
pps. i can't wait for johnny weir to make it work.
ppps. where can i get those awesome glitter rhinestone mother russia sneakers plushenko was sporting?
2.18.2010
don't do this at home, kids
"It takes a special kind of idiot to decide to get up on the roof of a house with an open flame, but that's exactly what some workers in the Rockville area of Montgomery County did on Tuesday, the Post reports. They were apparently trying to use a propane torch to clear ice from the roof. Smarties, these ones." from dcisti won't lie. last week, i wondered why no one just took hair dryers to their cars during this blizzard and then i thought about inventing a giant car dryer since you clearly need more power than a rinkydink nano ceramic technology hair dryer.
but hey, at least ed hardy got into the business of drying:
srsly. buy yours at ulta. or don't. because what the hell, ed hardy? who buys these?
2.17.2010
a lenten haiku
dr pepper can
full of sweet delicious juice
cannot give you up
doctor, oh doctor
you make the world taste better
i am addicted
okay, so my haikuing skills suck today. but honestly, i drink a can of dr pepper everyday. i love it. i love it so much i would consider marrying it. i love it more than cherry cola and strawberry soda combined. but what are you, DP, a boysenberry? cowberry? lingonberry!? were you actually invented by the swedes in texas? whatever you are, you are delicious to me. mr pibb doesn't even come close. he's the splenda of dr pepper. can we get some throwback vintage formulas up in here?
which is why i must give you up. for forty days and forty nights. it is what jesus would want me to do. i spent a good deal of time thinking about what i would give up. i thought of giving up meat or the internet or doing an ayurvedic diet, but soda rots your teeth more than tweeting while eating a double bacon cheeseburger. and i really do have a can of soda everyday. so no more! begone with you and your carbonation that i crave mid-lunch. prepare yourselves now for the wrath of my caffeine headached blogs around 3pm from here on out.
and no, green tea is not the same. it may have caffeine, but it doesn't have 23 mysterious flavaflavs, now does it?
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