Quad This, Bitch!

image cred.

The Official Definition of Figure Skating:

–noun

1.ice skating in which the skater traces intricate patterns on the ice.
2.a type of ice skating developed from this, emphasizing jumps, spins, and other movements that combine athletic skills and dance techniques.
3.a competitive sport in which the skater is required to execute school figures and to perform one or more original programsof difficult jumps, spins, etc., to a musical setting.

 
The Official Quotes on Quad Jumps in Figure Skating:

“It’s not figure jumping; it’s figure skating.” - Frank Carroll, Evan Lysacek's coach
“Now it’s not figure skating. Now it’s dancing.” - Yevgeny Plushenko, Men's Figure Skating Silver Medalist


people, people, people. according to the almighty power that be -- dictionary.com -- this word has been around circa 1865. can we decide on a definition, please?  look, yev, part of the definition involves dance techniques. you can't forget about that. but i feel you man, i feeeeeeeeeel you.

my favorite part of this debate is that it is occuring the day after the men's skating and the women's snowboarding halfpipe last night.

nearly every girl last night totally bombed a jump on the halfpipe during at least one of their runs. even the gold medalist, torah bright, had the worst friggin' run of anyone in the entire first round. the announcers just kept saying, "go big or go home" and everyone was just pulling out tricks right and left and suffering near-concussion-inducing-coccyx-breaking level falls. one chick fell twenty-two (22) feet from the air. dayum. but as they say: the bigger they are, the harder they fall; no pain, no gain; no guts, no glory; make new friends, but keep the old. whatever.

point is, this shit evolves. did anyone see scott hamilton stomping shit out with the quad in 1984?



no, because people didn't even HAVE quads in 1984. your patella went straight to your hip, from what i hear. life and sports evolve. like monkies and quad jumps. see that first definition? figure skating used to be just making some damn crazy eights on the ice. it was crazy, go crazy! now we have axles and lutzes and mc-corkin-borkin rotations.

listen, Figure Skating, and listen well, because as an olympic event not based on speed, you guys are going to have to step it up a little. should you need to perform a quad toe loop in order to secure a gold medal? eh, maybe not. but i've seen a thousand triple toe loop, lutz, salchows, to last me a lifetime. i better see some f'ing quintuplet loops in Sochi or i'm going to be one unhappy camper. entertain us, dammit! actually, can we get some quint salchows up in here? the word salchow needs a comeback, i think. and it starts with you, sochi. let's do this. go big or make like a leaf and get the fuck outta here.

BUT if figure skating is determined to stay static, then perhaps plushenko should consider snowboarding. i hear shaun white doesn't settle for quad crap.


ps. johnny weir was totally robbed.

pps. i can't wait for johnny weir to make it work.

ppps. where can i get those awesome glitter rhinestone mother russia sneakers plushenko was sporting?

MORE FITNESS JEANS, PLEASE!

 

the jean pants are taking over the world. THE WORLD.  first, there were jean yoga pants. and now there are jean snow pants. and that one male skater had some overalls on last night. a skating jean overall costume.

dear god, jeans! where do you stop with this world domination?? i know they can't be that cool, since johnny weir didn't wear them.

but back to the snowboarding jean-pant-things because my god, i am so jealous of those pants, i can't even say. not even kidding, i would look so much cooler wearing these jean type things than i did on my previous snowboarding expedition. you can even judge for yourself, you judgers:

see? those jean snow pants would have helped immensely. plus maybe my hair not being all gigantic mess in the face everywhere. i need a shaun white headband. and that cute little plaid jacket. and also, that bandanna, or any bandanna really, because MY GOD, DID THE WIND BURN LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. scarves did not help. not one bit. you need a cool gangsta bandanna to do super tricks like Get Down The Mountain Without Killing Yourself and Try Not to Hit Anyone Else, Especially Not That Adorable Five Year Old on the Skis Because You Are Twenty Years Older Him and So Much Larger and You Will Probably End His Life If You Crash Into Him So Why Don't You Just Fall Down On Your Ass Right Now Instead Because His Parents Would Probably Appreciate That More Than an Emergency Trip to the Emergency Room. though, perhaps i don't need a lucky bandanna because i managed to get those tricks down.

and i know you're judging about the helmet so i'm going to give you this little anecdote:

two of my friends recently sustained major/minor head jostling and decided to wear their own helmets to the slopes. i asked the rental ticket guy if all the cool kids wore helmets. he said, "well, uh, do you value your head?" blondie next to him chimes in all snarktastic with her 17 years of glorious wisdom and coolness: "i value MY head and I don't wear one of those." the dude whips around and says, "and you ran into a concrete wall." done. for twelve dollars more, done. yes, i value my head. ALSO, DUDE, you didn't tell me that shaun white wears one! shame shame shame. awful helmets and head lice for all! on second thought, perhaps we should all buy our own helmets. they'll be way cooler and you can probably get hearts and hipster naval stars and swallows decaled all over them.

also, Visa, i'd really like to win the sweepstakes for attending the olympics for the rest of my life. consider this my entry, thanks.