a lenten haiku

dr pepper can
full of sweet delicious juice
cannot give you up

doctor, oh doctor
you make the world taste better
i am addicted


okay, so my haikuing skills suck today. but honestly, i drink a can of dr pepper everyday. i love it. i love it so much i would consider marrying it. i love it more than cherry cola and strawberry soda combined. but what are you, DP, a boysenberry? cowberry? lingonberry!? were you actually invented by the swedes in texas? whatever you are, you are delicious to me. mr pibb doesn't even come close. he's the splenda of dr pepper. can we get some throwback vintage formulas up in here?

which is why i must give you up. for forty days and forty nights. it is what jesus would want me to do. i spent a good deal of time thinking about what i would give up. i thought of giving up meat or the internet or doing an ayurvedic diet, but soda rots your teeth more than tweeting while eating a double bacon cheeseburger. and i really do have a can of soda everyday. so no more! begone with you and your carbonation that i crave mid-lunch. prepare yourselves now for the wrath of my caffeine headached blogs around 3pm from here on out.

and no, green tea is not the same. it may have caffeine, but it doesn't have 23 mysterious flavaflavs, now does it?

you are so gross, mac salade.

Wawa Macaroni Salad, Net Weight 5 oz (142g)

Amount Per Serving:

Calories: 500
Total fat: 42g (65% DV)
Sat fat: 7g (35% DV)
Trans fat: 1g
Cholest: 50mg (17% DV)
Sodium: 960mg (40% DV)
Total carb: 38g (13% DV)
Fiber:1g (4% DV)
Sugars: 12g
Protein: 5g
Vitamin A: 20% DV
Calcium: 2% DV
Iron: 8% DV


I somehow accidentally got macaroni salad instead of mac and cheese from wawa. And before you get up in my shit about getting wawa mac and cheese in the first place, sometimes you just want some GD cheese covering up some macaroni, so playa please! i was in a hurry. clearly i was in a hurry, because i somehow pushed the magical button for macaroni salad instead of macaroni and cheese. while completely disappointed about this, i decided to try said mac salad.

let me tell you right now, as your own personal secret shopper and buyer extraordinaire, do not, under any circumstances go near this macaroni salad. i don't even care if you are on The Road, running from a pack of crazy canibals who are about to kill you and your son and bbq the two of you up like roast duck, stay the fuck away. do. not. eat. not only does it tastes like vomit stewed in mayo, it's got 40% THAT'S FOR-TY PUH-CENT WHICH IS LIKE F'ING HALF of your daily value of sodium. half of your daily Na, atomic number 11. you may as well just chug from a salt shaker. disgusto.

but don't take my word for it.