Quad This, Bitch!

image cred.

The Official Definition of Figure Skating:

–noun

1.ice skating in which the skater traces intricate patterns on the ice.
2.a type of ice skating developed from this, emphasizing jumps, spins, and other movements that combine athletic skills and dance techniques.
3.a competitive sport in which the skater is required to execute school figures and to perform one or more original programsof difficult jumps, spins, etc., to a musical setting.

 
The Official Quotes on Quad Jumps in Figure Skating:

“It’s not figure jumping; it’s figure skating.” - Frank Carroll, Evan Lysacek's coach
“Now it’s not figure skating. Now it’s dancing.” - Yevgeny Plushenko, Men's Figure Skating Silver Medalist


people, people, people. according to the almighty power that be -- dictionary.com -- this word has been around circa 1865. can we decide on a definition, please?  look, yev, part of the definition involves dance techniques. you can't forget about that. but i feel you man, i feeeeeeeeeel you.

my favorite part of this debate is that it is occuring the day after the men's skating and the women's snowboarding halfpipe last night.

nearly every girl last night totally bombed a jump on the halfpipe during at least one of their runs. even the gold medalist, torah bright, had the worst friggin' run of anyone in the entire first round. the announcers just kept saying, "go big or go home" and everyone was just pulling out tricks right and left and suffering near-concussion-inducing-coccyx-breaking level falls. one chick fell twenty-two (22) feet from the air. dayum. but as they say: the bigger they are, the harder they fall; no pain, no gain; no guts, no glory; make new friends, but keep the old. whatever.

point is, this shit evolves. did anyone see scott hamilton stomping shit out with the quad in 1984?



no, because people didn't even HAVE quads in 1984. your patella went straight to your hip, from what i hear. life and sports evolve. like monkies and quad jumps. see that first definition? figure skating used to be just making some damn crazy eights on the ice. it was crazy, go crazy! now we have axles and lutzes and mc-corkin-borkin rotations.

listen, Figure Skating, and listen well, because as an olympic event not based on speed, you guys are going to have to step it up a little. should you need to perform a quad toe loop in order to secure a gold medal? eh, maybe not. but i've seen a thousand triple toe loop, lutz, salchows, to last me a lifetime. i better see some f'ing quintuplet loops in Sochi or i'm going to be one unhappy camper. entertain us, dammit! actually, can we get some quint salchows up in here? the word salchow needs a comeback, i think. and it starts with you, sochi. let's do this. go big or make like a leaf and get the fuck outta here.

BUT if figure skating is determined to stay static, then perhaps plushenko should consider snowboarding. i hear shaun white doesn't settle for quad crap.


ps. johnny weir was totally robbed.

pps. i can't wait for johnny weir to make it work.

ppps. where can i get those awesome glitter rhinestone mother russia sneakers plushenko was sporting?

don't do this at home, kids

"It takes a special kind of idiot to decide to get up on the roof of a house with an open flame, but that's exactly what some workers in the Rockville area of Montgomery County did on Tuesday, the Post reports. They were apparently trying to use a propane torch to clear ice from the roof. Smarties, these ones." from dcist

i won't lie. last week, i wondered why no one just took hair dryers to their cars during this blizzard and then i thought about inventing a giant car dryer since you clearly need more power than a rinkydink nano ceramic technology hair dryer.

but hey, at least ed hardy got into the business of drying:

srsly. buy yours at ulta. or don't. because what the hell, ed hardy? who buys these?

a lenten haiku

dr pepper can
full of sweet delicious juice
cannot give you up

doctor, oh doctor
you make the world taste better
i am addicted


okay, so my haikuing skills suck today. but honestly, i drink a can of dr pepper everyday. i love it. i love it so much i would consider marrying it. i love it more than cherry cola and strawberry soda combined. but what are you, DP, a boysenberry? cowberry? lingonberry!? were you actually invented by the swedes in texas? whatever you are, you are delicious to me. mr pibb doesn't even come close. he's the splenda of dr pepper. can we get some throwback vintage formulas up in here?

which is why i must give you up. for forty days and forty nights. it is what jesus would want me to do. i spent a good deal of time thinking about what i would give up. i thought of giving up meat or the internet or doing an ayurvedic diet, but soda rots your teeth more than tweeting while eating a double bacon cheeseburger. and i really do have a can of soda everyday. so no more! begone with you and your carbonation that i crave mid-lunch. prepare yourselves now for the wrath of my caffeine headached blogs around 3pm from here on out.

and no, green tea is not the same. it may have caffeine, but it doesn't have 23 mysterious flavaflavs, now does it?

MORE FITNESS JEANS, PLEASE!

 

the jean pants are taking over the world. THE WORLD.  first, there were jean yoga pants. and now there are jean snow pants. and that one male skater had some overalls on last night. a skating jean overall costume.

dear god, jeans! where do you stop with this world domination?? i know they can't be that cool, since johnny weir didn't wear them.

but back to the snowboarding jean-pant-things because my god, i am so jealous of those pants, i can't even say. not even kidding, i would look so much cooler wearing these jean type things than i did on my previous snowboarding expedition. you can even judge for yourself, you judgers:

see? those jean snow pants would have helped immensely. plus maybe my hair not being all gigantic mess in the face everywhere. i need a shaun white headband. and that cute little plaid jacket. and also, that bandanna, or any bandanna really, because MY GOD, DID THE WIND BURN LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. scarves did not help. not one bit. you need a cool gangsta bandanna to do super tricks like Get Down The Mountain Without Killing Yourself and Try Not to Hit Anyone Else, Especially Not That Adorable Five Year Old on the Skis Because You Are Twenty Years Older Him and So Much Larger and You Will Probably End His Life If You Crash Into Him So Why Don't You Just Fall Down On Your Ass Right Now Instead Because His Parents Would Probably Appreciate That More Than an Emergency Trip to the Emergency Room. though, perhaps i don't need a lucky bandanna because i managed to get those tricks down.

and i know you're judging about the helmet so i'm going to give you this little anecdote:

two of my friends recently sustained major/minor head jostling and decided to wear their own helmets to the slopes. i asked the rental ticket guy if all the cool kids wore helmets. he said, "well, uh, do you value your head?" blondie next to him chimes in all snarktastic with her 17 years of glorious wisdom and coolness: "i value MY head and I don't wear one of those." the dude whips around and says, "and you ran into a concrete wall." done. for twelve dollars more, done. yes, i value my head. ALSO, DUDE, you didn't tell me that shaun white wears one! shame shame shame. awful helmets and head lice for all! on second thought, perhaps we should all buy our own helmets. they'll be way cooler and you can probably get hearts and hipster naval stars and swallows decaled all over them.

also, Visa, i'd really like to win the sweepstakes for attending the olympics for the rest of my life. consider this my entry, thanks.

you are so gross, mac salade.

Wawa Macaroni Salad, Net Weight 5 oz (142g)

Amount Per Serving:

Calories: 500
Total fat: 42g (65% DV)
Sat fat: 7g (35% DV)
Trans fat: 1g
Cholest: 50mg (17% DV)
Sodium: 960mg (40% DV)
Total carb: 38g (13% DV)
Fiber:1g (4% DV)
Sugars: 12g
Protein: 5g
Vitamin A: 20% DV
Calcium: 2% DV
Iron: 8% DV


I somehow accidentally got macaroni salad instead of mac and cheese from wawa. And before you get up in my shit about getting wawa mac and cheese in the first place, sometimes you just want some GD cheese covering up some macaroni, so playa please! i was in a hurry. clearly i was in a hurry, because i somehow pushed the magical button for macaroni salad instead of macaroni and cheese. while completely disappointed about this, i decided to try said mac salad.

let me tell you right now, as your own personal secret shopper and buyer extraordinaire, do not, under any circumstances go near this macaroni salad. i don't even care if you are on The Road, running from a pack of crazy canibals who are about to kill you and your son and bbq the two of you up like roast duck, stay the fuck away. do. not. eat. not only does it tastes like vomit stewed in mayo, it's got 40% THAT'S FOR-TY PUH-CENT WHICH IS LIKE F'ING HALF of your daily value of sodium. half of your daily Na, atomic number 11. you may as well just chug from a salt shaker. disgusto.

but don't take my word for it.

wii, you suck

my parents got a wii for christmas this year.  strike that, Santa brought the Bee Family a wii for christmas this year.  but ever since all the kids went back to their respective schools/lives/etc, and since poppa bee's doctor told him to lose twenty pounds, momma and poppa bee have been wii-fitting their ways through their days.

dad claims to have lost ten pounds already by wii-ing. apparently, it's working for people in the UK, too. that woman lost one-full-miss-bee size using the wii. she lost an entire ME using her wii. it must be working. and it's way cheaper than the gym or yoga class.

i was mostly curious about this wii yoga and what my parents were doing weighing the dog on the wii. sure enough, little Buddy Beealge has his own mii. so i spent a ruckus saturday night creating a little mii with mom and dad.

so i've got my cute little mii-bee ready, and i've made it small and skinny and then it weighs me and tells me that i'm perilously close to being underweight. the wii then proceeds to tell me to GAIN fifteen pounds. that is my goal - GAIN weight. i have one month, the wii warns. it'll be asking for mii. so i'm already annoyed with the mii for telling me stupid things, when it decides to test my wii-age with a series of balance tests. mind you, this is the first time i have ever stepped on the stupid wii fit balance board. so i try to hang tough, but i failed at the third test. out of five. and it didn't even let me try tests four or five. and DUN-DA-DA-DUM! my wii fit age is FORTY THREE.

oh, bite me, wii fit. forty three? you're a sham and your mother is a sham. you just called me nicole richie and now you're telling me that i'm a middle-aged woman? psht.

for the record, i took the wii age test the next day and got 20. that's still an average of 31.5, which i am NOT happy about.