"Gourds" by oskay
"I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash."Colin Nissan, I think love you. I think you might be making fun of me, but I think I love you, regardless. The roommates can tell you, when decor time comes in the apartment, I am a fiend. FIEND. Don't get in my way, I've got BINS of stuff crammed into closets under stairs. Don't ask me how much money I spent at the Christmas Tree Shops this weekend, either. I won't tell you, but just you wait, Spruce Street. It's gonna shine like South Philly at #12 come November 27th.
But back to fall. In years past, I've bought (BOUGHT!!) pine cones from Michael's. The dash of pine coney potpourri smell allows the female in me to permit this silly purchase. But this year, I smartened up and baked (BAKED!!) some pine cones freshly picked from the Jersey pine barrens (thanks, Jersey!!). And made (MADE!!) my own applesauce from scratch. Booyah, suckers. I can make applesauce and arrange some gourds.
Oh, that's right, domesticality. Consider the gauntlet thrown, bitches.