MORE FITNESS JEANS, PLEASE!

 

the jean pants are taking over the world. THE WORLD.  first, there were jean yoga pants. and now there are jean snow pants. and that one male skater had some overalls on last night. a skating jean overall costume.

dear god, jeans! where do you stop with this world domination?? i know they can't be that cool, since johnny weir didn't wear them.

but back to the snowboarding jean-pant-things because my god, i am so jealous of those pants, i can't even say. not even kidding, i would look so much cooler wearing these jean type things than i did on my previous snowboarding expedition. you can even judge for yourself, you judgers:

see? those jean snow pants would have helped immensely. plus maybe my hair not being all gigantic mess in the face everywhere. i need a shaun white headband. and that cute little plaid jacket. and also, that bandanna, or any bandanna really, because MY GOD, DID THE WIND BURN LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. scarves did not help. not one bit. you need a cool gangsta bandanna to do super tricks like Get Down The Mountain Without Killing Yourself and Try Not to Hit Anyone Else, Especially Not That Adorable Five Year Old on the Skis Because You Are Twenty Years Older Him and So Much Larger and You Will Probably End His Life If You Crash Into Him So Why Don't You Just Fall Down On Your Ass Right Now Instead Because His Parents Would Probably Appreciate That More Than an Emergency Trip to the Emergency Room. though, perhaps i don't need a lucky bandanna because i managed to get those tricks down.

and i know you're judging about the helmet so i'm going to give you this little anecdote:

two of my friends recently sustained major/minor head jostling and decided to wear their own helmets to the slopes. i asked the rental ticket guy if all the cool kids wore helmets. he said, "well, uh, do you value your head?" blondie next to him chimes in all snarktastic with her 17 years of glorious wisdom and coolness: "i value MY head and I don't wear one of those." the dude whips around and says, "and you ran into a concrete wall." done. for twelve dollars more, done. yes, i value my head. ALSO, DUDE, you didn't tell me that shaun white wears one! shame shame shame. awful helmets and head lice for all! on second thought, perhaps we should all buy our own helmets. they'll be way cooler and you can probably get hearts and hipster naval stars and swallows decaled all over them.

also, Visa, i'd really like to win the sweepstakes for attending the olympics for the rest of my life. consider this my entry, thanks.

you are so gross, mac salade.

Wawa Macaroni Salad, Net Weight 5 oz (142g)

Amount Per Serving:

Calories: 500
Total fat: 42g (65% DV)
Sat fat: 7g (35% DV)
Trans fat: 1g
Cholest: 50mg (17% DV)
Sodium: 960mg (40% DV)
Total carb: 38g (13% DV)
Fiber:1g (4% DV)
Sugars: 12g
Protein: 5g
Vitamin A: 20% DV
Calcium: 2% DV
Iron: 8% DV


I somehow accidentally got macaroni salad instead of mac and cheese from wawa. And before you get up in my shit about getting wawa mac and cheese in the first place, sometimes you just want some GD cheese covering up some macaroni, so playa please! i was in a hurry. clearly i was in a hurry, because i somehow pushed the magical button for macaroni salad instead of macaroni and cheese. while completely disappointed about this, i decided to try said mac salad.

let me tell you right now, as your own personal secret shopper and buyer extraordinaire, do not, under any circumstances go near this macaroni salad. i don't even care if you are on The Road, running from a pack of crazy canibals who are about to kill you and your son and bbq the two of you up like roast duck, stay the fuck away. do. not. eat. not only does it tastes like vomit stewed in mayo, it's got 40% THAT'S FOR-TY PUH-CENT WHICH IS LIKE F'ING HALF of your daily value of sodium. half of your daily Na, atomic number 11. you may as well just chug from a salt shaker. disgusto.

but don't take my word for it.

wii, you suck

my parents got a wii for christmas this year.  strike that, Santa brought the Bee Family a wii for christmas this year.  but ever since all the kids went back to their respective schools/lives/etc, and since poppa bee's doctor told him to lose twenty pounds, momma and poppa bee have been wii-fitting their ways through their days.

dad claims to have lost ten pounds already by wii-ing. apparently, it's working for people in the UK, too. that woman lost one-full-miss-bee size using the wii. she lost an entire ME using her wii. it must be working. and it's way cheaper than the gym or yoga class.

i was mostly curious about this wii yoga and what my parents were doing weighing the dog on the wii. sure enough, little Buddy Beealge has his own mii. so i spent a ruckus saturday night creating a little mii with mom and dad.

so i've got my cute little mii-bee ready, and i've made it small and skinny and then it weighs me and tells me that i'm perilously close to being underweight. the wii then proceeds to tell me to GAIN fifteen pounds. that is my goal - GAIN weight. i have one month, the wii warns. it'll be asking for mii. so i'm already annoyed with the mii for telling me stupid things, when it decides to test my wii-age with a series of balance tests. mind you, this is the first time i have ever stepped on the stupid wii fit balance board. so i try to hang tough, but i failed at the third test. out of five. and it didn't even let me try tests four or five. and DUN-DA-DA-DUM! my wii fit age is FORTY THREE.

oh, bite me, wii fit. forty three? you're a sham and your mother is a sham. you just called me nicole richie and now you're telling me that i'm a middle-aged woman? psht.

for the record, i took the wii age test the next day and got 20. that's still an average of 31.5, which i am NOT happy about.