in a rush this morning, i forgot my book.

by the time i got to the train station, everyone else had swiped a Metro, so i reluctantly picked up the very last half-week-old city paper from the stand. (who PAYS for newspapers? not i, said the little red hen). so i blew through the city paper and was finished by the time i got off the train.

when i got back on the train in the afternoon, i was empty handed. so i went for the ipod, but sadly realized that i had forgotten my headphones in this morning's rush. boo, what a stinkin' train ride.

later, on the train, i thought i saw a guy that looked like my friend matt. he looked so much like matt, that i almost called out, "matt!!" but then i stopped myself.

because maybe it was not matt.
but it sure looked like matt.

so i looked at the guy, trying to figure out if the side profile really was matt or not.

eventually he caught me staring.
i quickly looked away.

but then i thought, maybe it IS matt, so i looked back again.
and then he looked up.
we locked eyes. crap! again! i look away!

but i have no book, so i can't divert my eyes to anything but my hands.
not matt! crap!

i stare out the window, and in the reflection, i can see that he's now looking at me.
i turn to look at him and he awkwardly looks away. then back again.

crap! crap! what is this? is this train flirting!? oh lawd, i was just trying to figure out if it was matt or not.

so i can't look out the window, because then i'll catch his reflection.
and i can't look at a book because i dont have a book or a magazine or a newspaper.
and i cant daze off into an glazed ipod haze because i have no ipod.

so i look over to the guy sharing my seat, to his portable dvd player. as i turn to the screen, a woman hops ON TOP of a dude on a massage table and the two of them start going at it like madmen.

WHAT?! ARE YOU WATCHING PORN ON THE TRAIN!?

what is this train! i can't look out the window, i can't look down, i can't look left, i can't look right! oh laaaaaawd.

most stressful train ride ever for a spaz like myself.

and note to self: please remember book tomorrow.

i told you all it was fake.

i'm sure, by now, you've heard. hell, even china is blogging about it.

the world's largest pinata did not drop. (photos to arrive shortly. after wednesday, sometime. sorry. but hey, why don't you just google philadelphia pinata yourself). Operation: Bust or Bust! was a complete... bust. and not in the 8000 pounds of volcanic candy spewing happy sort of way either.

apparently, carnival cruise, not be outdone by their own Fun Ships! decided to bring the Funville to philadelphia. um, would that be Phunville, Carnival? just a thought... they advertised not only free candy, but free ice cream and a potential winning a free cruise. somehow, with all this free stuff, carnival underestimated the Power of Free. free = crowds. rowdy, uncontrollable crowds. full of children. and hipsters. there was a gratuitous amount of hipster around.

BUT WAIT! I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT NEWS THAN HIPSTERS AND FREE CANDY!


we decided not to leave before we had some more info - precisely, we wanted to know that as soon as we stepped out of the gate, they weren't going to take the pinata into the air and smash it. we chatted with part of the film crew, who ASSURED US that the pinata would crash before 4:30 (clearly a bit of a lie).

we did also find out this:

- THE PINATA IS A CONGLOMERATE OF 52,000 POUNDS OF REINFORCED STEEL AND PINATA PAPER STREAMERS.

how are you going to break a 52,000 pound pinata? the answer: YOU DON'T.


the "wrecking ball" is actually made of FOAM. there was no actually breaking of the pinata. there never was going to be any ceremonial smashing, just some fake-ass hitting 52,000 pounds of steel with 25 pounds of foam (disclaimer - i forget just how heavy the foam ball was. it was not that big.) then, trap doors that were going to unleash the eight thousand pounds of candy. IT WAS ALL A SHAM. we were totally had. for some silly commercial that didn't even end up happening.

clearly we are all idiots for thinking that anyone could actually build a six story paper-mache pinata and then hit 8000 pounds of candy with 8000 pounds of steel. where is mythbusters when you need them? wouldnt all of that candy have been smashed to bits? wouldn't we all have had to wear construction hats? why didn't we think about this at 10AM when we were walking to broad and washington for some pre-pinata pho?

i can't even be mad at carnival. who makes a barbie for their cruise line? this is clearly something we should have been expecting.