the bee in the d.

Becoming Buddha in 30 Days or Less

2011-10-15T16:26:00.000-05:00

"i think the carebears are supremely enlightened little yogis." -S.

animal hoarding

2011-10-12T16:40:00.000-05:00

dear neighbor,

i am sorry to hear that your dog(s?) have fleas. that sucks.

i understand that a six-pack of Advantix costs nearly $100. times two for a full year, times the six dogs you own, that's a hefty $1,200 a year on flea prevention. that's a lot. i get that.

i understand that the recession sucks and it's hard to find jobs and i also understand that you can't really hold down a job anyway due to personal reasons.

what i don't understand is the fact that you think that leaving your dogs outside on the deck in the pouring rain while they alternately bark and whine to be let into the nice warm house is somehow getting rid of the fleas.

it's called a flea bath and it doesn't cost a grand a year to keep up.

it's also called not animal hoarding.

i understand that you rescued all of your dogs. that is really great. it really is. we too chose to rescue. but to rescue your dogs only to leave them whining in the pouring rain is not that much higher of a step up in life.

for real.

also, allowing them to bark incessantly is not just not neighborly, it's cruel.

reduce, reuse, but don't even think about recycling

2011-10-05T22:51:00.000-05:00

i live in the woods. i get it. but i also get that it is 2011. i can look up the square root of eleventy on the phone in my pocket. what i cannot do is recycle weekly.

yes, that's right. my recycling gets picked up curbside ONCE a MONTH. boo. hiss. but at least the borough gave us GIANT buckets for recycling. the better to jam a months worth of containers into.

but alas, woe is us and we only received three (3) containers. which unfortunately will only take care of my recyclable gas because unlike the rest of the entire milky way universe i have to separate my clear glass from my brown glass from my green glass. is it 1992? what? even the city of philadelphia managed to get its shit together enough to allow commingling of everything. so much for single stream. i have eleventy billion recycle streams here.

also to separate - plastics 1 vs. plastics 2 and aluminum vs tin.

and not recyclable? any other plastic or ANY PLASTIC EVEN 1s AND 2s NOT IN A BOTTLE FORM.

wtf.

things i have to THROW AWAY:
*yogurt containers
*certain plastic juice containers (arizona iced tea jugs and simply lemonade for example)
*microwave plastic food trays (Bee's lunches when i'm not around)
*takeaway plastic food trays (we don't get these a lot, but sometimes)
*plastic lids of any kind
*junk mail

things i have to hoard and then pile into the car and drive over to the recycling center (which is only open for three specific hours during the entire week) to recycle:
*magazines
*cardboard

and unfortunately we're having some trouble with the cardboard because the current format for collecting it is apparently causing "clutter" in our house and giving Bee a hernia. so most of our cardboard ends up in the garbage anyway.

i hate myself so hard every time i throw a yogurt container away. i am not even kidding. i die a little bit inside every time.

if you search for reviews of the company, there's some fucking crazy lady who bashes everyone who complains about the ridiculousness of recycling only 1 & 2 bottles by bringing up gas prices and telling everyone to get off their high horses and to lower their recycling standards.

get with the times, dville. fucking recycle. and that means everything. no excuse.

the mediocrity of valley television service

2011-09-20T16:17:00.000-05:00

We're in the market for television. we managed to survive the summer by catching up on Deadwood, Community, Parks & Rec, The League and a few others by means of Hulu and ~~Netflix~~ Qwikster/Netflix.

After much back forth about cable vs dish vs directv vs slingboxing to any number of our friends/relatives, we finally made a decision. I called and set up an appointment and they said they'd be out in three weeks to set it up for us. yes, three weeks. from the date that i called. okay, whatever. you do what you can do, must be a busy time for handing people cable boxes.

But meanwhile, during those said three weeks, we've had some time to think about it and research it a little more and we made the decision to go in a different direction. We sign up for the service (ONLINE! imagine that!) and i'm pretty sure if we hadn't ordered at 7 at night, we'd have been able to get an install date the very next day. alas, we can get installation in two business days (technically one and a half).

So i call up the first service, rehearsing my "i'm really sorry, we've gone in another direction, they were cheaper for more channels and way quicker with the install" bit. And i get put on hold. for seven minutes. and not just "your call is important to us" hold, but "those other services aren't as good as we are! we're the best and have been in business in the valley for over fifty year! we take pride in our service to you" hold AND with every minute that someone does not answer your call, you have to repeatedly press "0" to continue to hold. It's the "are you sure you want to continue to hold to talk to us? Really, are you sure? Just checking. Okay, now? Are you still sure now?" hold.

So after seven minutes of affirming my desire to talk to someone, I finally get a person on the line. I explain that I would like to cancel my installation and the girl checks my phone number, verifies my address and then says, "Okay, i've gone ahead and canceled that for you. Have a good day." Click.

No "i'm sorry to see you go" "is there something we could have done better?" "can i help you with anything else today, like perhaps our internet or telephone service?" or "we're currently offering free HD and DVR for the next three months if you'd like to stay on with us." none of that. just an okay, goodbye, click.

It's like the people here don't even give a shit if you give them business. I'd love to keep my money local, but a three week wait for a handful of channels that are twice as expensive as the other guy, topped with no attempt to even try to retain me as a customer, well, that's just a bad business plan.

And don't even get me started on the heating oil company.

HOW DO YOU PEOPLE GET OTHER PEOPLE TO GIVE YOU MONEY? WHO IS GIVING YOU THEIR MONEY??

i don't get it. i just don't get it. don't you want me to give you my money?

walmart condos

2011-09-19T16:43:00.000-05:00

overheard in the bloom walmart on sunday (the lord's day!)...

near the health/beauty/pet supply area (i was looking for doggy chew toys and mrs meyers hand soap) a mother, her daughter (rough age estimate? early 20s) and her daughter's newborn are walking with the baby's daddy.

the girl says, "and condoms, we have to pick up some condoms."

the boy says, "oh hell no. we are not buying condoms."

girl quickly responds, "well, unless you want another one of these," gesturing towards the babe, "we're getting them."

and the mother/grandmother says something like, "yes, yes, condoms."

the boy continues to assert that he is not wearing condoms and than asks granny, "now let me ask you a question - do YOU still use condoms? no, no. i am NOT wearing a condom. no, never."

grandmammy finally said, "fine. you stay here. we're going to get them and we'll meet you right back here."

lay down that law, grandmommy!

at this point, i decided i had followed too closely behind them for far too long already to attempt to stick around and hear the ensuing debate once the ladies returned with their shopping cart full of rubber. sad. i do so wonder how they will ever convince him to wrap it up.

and now back to your regularly scheduled bee

2011-08-17T13:12:00.000-05:00

oh snap. that's right. blogger hiatus over. i promise this time i'll last at least a week. i have plenty to say about the recycling in this town. that is, if i don't die first.

we found these baby pumpkin looking berries growing along our grape vine just after i moved in two weeks ago. they started with little white flowers and then all turned into green babe pumpkins.

after they ripen, they turn dark purple, almost black. if you look in the background on the right, you can see where the birds ate the ripe ones off the stem - that blurry bright purple spot - that's them. the black berry oozes fuchsia all over.

so naturally i was curious and pulled one off the stem and squeezed it 'til it burst. fuchsia color everywhere. my fingers are still pink-purple. then i licked it. (i know the one rule of the wilderness is to never eat shit when you don't know what it is, but whatever this isn't kryptonite). it tasted bitter so i spit it out and played around with the seeds a little bit, smushing fuchsia even more all over my fingers. then i came inside and asked twitter if they knew what it was.

fortunately - twitter DID know what it was!

unfortunately - it's pokeweed. poisonous to mammals when eaten raw! hooray! let's go back to that dont-eat-shit-if-you-dont-know-it's-totally-non threatening-and-not-poisonous. lesson learned.

yours in pokeberries, unless i die tomorrow.

before and after

2011-04-18T14:17:00.002-05:00

i've seen this on another Philly blog but can't for the life of me remember. either way, this is what excited me today. and note, that's definitely the crew for the reese movie, how do you know, which i only just added to my netflix queue two seconds ago.

1956

2009

even though the building on the left is no longer a hospital and the building on the right is just a glorified hollywood set, it's cool when things stay the same. but where is the 1950's honest tom's taco truck??

the listicle in review

2010-12-16T21:32:00.002-05:00

earlier this year, i started a list.. it was going to be of all the things i wanted to do in the next year. i think it was going to be 100 things in 1000 days or something to that effect. the sad part is that i never even got to listing 100 really awesome things that i wanted to do so i didn't publicize it much. it pretty much just sat dormant on my computer hard drive until today.

even before going through the list, i can say that in the end, what i spent most of my time doing this year wasn't even something that was on the list. a lot of it was barely even remotely close to being on the list. i spent 200+ hours of my life studying to become a yoga instructor. hours reading the sutras and attempting to meditate and practicing the asanas and all of that. and the closest it got to being on the list was a few yoga poses that i wanted to perfect. or rather, just conform my body into. to be honest, i'm not even sure how close i am to those. let's take a look:

Food (at home)

   1. Make a damn good chili
    this is a truth fact. i made an excellent chili. it took two tries to get it, but it was awesome. i know it was awesome because we came home really drunk one night and everyone ate it all and then asked for seconds. and drunk people never lie.
   2. Use my slow cooker at least twice this year
    i don't believe i've reached this. i don't think i've even used my crock pot once, which is sad because it was all i wanted to christmas two years ago. i have to start using it. it's a spectacular cooking invention.
   3. Make more bundts
    i didn't do this one either, but to be fair, i did spend a lot of time trying my hand at ayurvedic muffins this summer which eventually turned into a bake sale where me and partner in baking crime raised $300 that we donated to Philabundance. so bundts, no, but baking, yes.
   4. Make my own yogurt
    nope. not even close.
   5. Make my own granola
    also not even on my radar
   6. Cook a meat that’s not chicken or pork (these are my specialties and I have never in my life ever cooked a steak or lamb of even some damned ground beef)
    also, no. this summer my roommate and i got a CSA and even though it was only half a share, we had enough veggies to last us through each week. in fact, for a month after our newest roommate moved in, she thought the two of us were vegetarians because she had never seen either of us cook or eat meat!
   7. Incorporate Ayurvedic theories into meal planning
    in some semblance, yes, but mostly only when i order chinese. and the dosha muffins. there were plenty of dosha muffins to be found this year.
   8. Make my own chicken stock and soup
    chicken stock? no. veggie stock? yes. same same for soups - made a lot of soup this year but none were chicken in nature
   9. Make momma’s chicken and rice
    and no. again with the meat, no. i don't think i've cooked meat in months. i would say at least six months. maybe nine. it's unclear.
10. This is the supreme goal which is actually another dozen food goals in and of itself but… reinvent and make this year’s Ukrainian Christmas Eve dinner
    sigh. this will definitely not be happening this year which i'm very sad about, but christmas is only a week away and i didn't really do much at all. i will, however, be making the borscht this year, so at least there's that.
Restaurants That I’ve Never Been To

   1. Village Whiskey
    mmm, burgers with S and C. check!
   2. Grace Tavern
    nope, still not yet.
   3. Cafe con Chocolate
    yes and yes.
   4. Kong
    not even close
   5. Buddakan
    yes, with the old roommate!

Books to Finish Reading

   1. Snark, David Denby
    i have come to terms with the fact that i will never finish reading all 60 pages of this book
   2. The Help, Kathryn Stockett
    yes, so good!
   3. The Hour I First Believed, Wally Lamb
    yes, finally! a year later!
   4. The Invisible Wall, Harry Bernstein
    no.   5. Common Wealth, Jeffrey Sachs
    no.
   6. Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom
    yes!
   7. Cradle to Cradle, Bill Mcdonough
    no.
   8. Memoirs of a Geisha, Arthur Golden
    no.
   9. Of Mice and Men, John Steinbeck
    no.
10. Why Buildings Stand Up, Mario Salvadori
    no.

Yoga

   1. Set up a home practice of some sort
    yes, kind of, vaguely, okay, maybe not really.
   2. Stick to a yoga schedule (at least 1x a week)
    AHA! yes times a thousand! how about sixteen hours a weekend, listicle???
   3. Get into a full eka pada rajakapotasana
    ugh, sads, no. i am beginning to think that this pose may take years to manifest itself into my body
   4. Take artsy yoga pose photos with Shelb
    nope, but she took them with her bf, so that counts for half?
   5. Arm balances!
    what up, bakasana? what up, working on handstands?

Travel

   1. Arizona to see Louisa and Mav
    YES PLUS ZOEY.
   2. San Diego to see Jennie
    no, sads. maybe next year

Do This Everyday For A Week/Month? How Long?

   1. Blog
    eh.
   2. Get to work on time
    ooph, mayyybe.
   3. Bedtime at 9 (this may help numero dos)
    ha.
   4. Meditate
    mmmm, three days in row? one time for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. that should count for something, because that fucking HARD.
   5. Run
    dear running, let's you and i never meet again, okay? i love the yoga and i hate you. it's official. sorry, no hard feelings?

Don’t Do This At ALL For A Week/Maybe Lent?

   1. Twitter
    THE TWITTER HIATUS OF 2K10. RIP @_missbee
   2. Facebook
    hmm. maybe not this one. there have been mini hiati, but i doubt any lasted for a week
   3. Personal email during work
    ha.
   4. Eat meat!
    hmm. maybe, perhaps, not really sure. i didn't keep a good log, but i'd say there's a vaguely 60% this happened.

Etc.

   1. Brush up on my French
    non, je regrette. and i dont even know if that's spelled right.
   2. Donate old clothes that I don’t wear anymore
    in the process. the bags have been sitting in my room for weeks now, just have to take them over to the salvation army.
   3. Organize closet space
    kind of, yes! at least one closet!, no, two!
   4. Win at least once at Johnny Goodtimes quizzo
    hmmm, think not, but we did win a baller last place prize of a hot air balloon calendar! so that counts, i think
   5. Learn how to snowboard
    well, i got on a snowboard. twice. and didn't end up crying in the middle of the mountain or in the hospital, so i think that gets half credit.
   6. Take a class at DU
    yeah no.
   7. Run from home to the Art Museum
    damn you, hc sweatpants.
   8. Finish le Broad Street Run
    didn't even start.
   9. Sky dive
    nope - but i SCUBA DIVED! WHICH WASNT ON THE LIST!
10. Learn to drive stick shift
    nah
11. Repot the ivies and other plants
    yes, and bought new plants!
12. Put up some photos in my office
    yes!

overall, i'd say i didn't hit half the shit on my list, but i wouldn't call it a failure either. i spent a lot of time doing other extracurriculars instead (the yoga training and scuba diving, mostly). and i'm almost finished watching The Wire which is maybe The Best Television Series Of Life.

plus i drove through the blue ridge mountains, sent out an RFP for a potentially $60M+ building project, rearranged my bedroom, ate at zahav, unclogged a sink drain with my own brute strength, used fennel for the first time ever, went to yogaville, learned what the heck tat soi was, made life altering decisions, applied for a new job, threw out half my makeup, won money at the craps table, became lactose intolerant, flew in a helicopter, went to a county fair, and didn't have any completely major mental breakdowns. i said completely major.

so thank you to everyone who bruised a coccyx, got their auras read, felt completely overwhelmed by vegetables, missed a quizzo question, tweeted the crap out of the cliff lee trade, ate brunch, drank girly drinks, spent three hours throwing themselves into handstands, meditated, laughed, cried, played, tried, tweeted about anything really, took photos, played in the snow and drank hot toddies, mopped an overflowing kitchen sink, went to cantina, the phils, the eagles, black sheep, landmark and/or drove more than two hours in a car with me and read my blog this past year. major hearts and friendship dust to all of you.

i stand with Old Manayunk

2010-09-09T09:17:00.002-05:00

what up, nerds? let's splash back into action, shall we?

dear people of manayunk:

y'all are idiots. you knew there was a church in close proximity to your house when you bought it/rented it. and if you didn't know, well, then maybe you should have done a little more research. people who complain about conditions already established well before they ever moved in get no sympathy from me. and i ask you, cory peters, 21, of UPenn/(i assume) Wharton status, what kind of clock chimes only once at noon? 7 AM is hardly a ridiculous time to wake up so get out of bed, grab a cup of coffee and hit the books, you lazy bum. maybe if you didn't sleep until noon every day, you wouldn't be such a cranky pants.

heart, bee

on ugly ass aquatic creatures

2010-07-15T12:32:00.003-05:00

i didn't even have to go to florida to see sharks! they are right here! swimming around in new jersey! i want you all to know that i just google imaged "shark" for another ten minutes just now. i am sitting in my cube, not in scuba gear, and pretty much crapping myself. from google images. i hate the internets.

i should let you know right now, we didn't see any sharks when we were in the keys. yes, i went scuba diving in the keys and i got to see was this ugly mug:

(image)

now i bet you're all like, "what the crap is that thing?" that thing is a cot damn barracuda. and they are ugly. and we saw lots of them. and they lurked. under coral. under the boat like a creepy stalker. and swimming all around. and they are long. and gross. more photos!

(image)

to be honest, when mr bee first pointed two of them out, i thought they were, in fact, sharks and he was being a dick, pointing them out to me so that i poop my bikini bottoms. in my defense, the first two i saw were swimming along, off the distance and the visibility was not the greatest. they could have been baby sharks. and you people know that i enjoy baby things. i do not enjoy barracudas. or baby barracudas. they are all just grossness. gross lurking grossers. they kind of just stared at you like, "bitch, what are you looking at?" i am surprised that there are not more barracuda villains in Disney movies. but i guess that what they used the moray eels for.

(image)

the ocean has some gross things in it, let me tell you.

we saw some other cool things and i pretty much looked like this the entire time:

and now i am home and safe from barracudas. i didn't see any sharks - boo. i did see some barracudas - yay. and i can swim underwater for forty minutes because i'm a baller.

i did, however, have a run-in with some fire coral, which is not at all actually related to coral (much like how red pandas aren't actually pandas.) this is it:

(image)

it stung like a mother and looked like my arm walked into a nest of angry wasps. GROSS. grosser than barracuda, even. which was super sad because the reason we were in the keys in the first place was for a wedding. so now i have barracuda arm in the wedding photos, no matter how hard i tried to discretely tuck my right arm behind me and fist pump with my left. i can only hope the photographer is also an airbrush photoshop master.

on swimming with sharks and death

2010-07-08T15:17:00.002-05:00

this could very well be my last blog post ever.

tomorrow, i am going to go scuba dive in the keys. with sharks.

let's visualize this for a second please.

THIS i can handle:

(image)

Both the shark and the baby are very adorable. i would like take both of them home with me.

THIS i can not:

(image.)

there is nothing cute about this. i am already pooping my pants in my office right now. in fact, if i were under this group of hammer fucking head sharks, i can assure you that i would shit my rented wet suit, puke into my regulator and pray to every single christian, jewish, hindu, muslim, and native american god that they just put me out of my misery and devour me quickly.

i also hope that i lose my contacts so that i am as blind as a bat that they don't see me. i mean, i dont see them. that's how it works right? if i can't see you... oh christ. i hope i dont actually lose my contacts.

and, if i miraculously come face to face with this:

and make it out alive, i will forever dance across the glorious pavement singing the "i'm the most bad ass person in my vicinity right now" song. that's right, bitches. i'm a baby and a bad ass mother fucker all rolled into one. i know it's possible; meredith brooks told me so.

for serious, light a candle or pray or swing your chakra beads over your head for me tonight.

on birthing days

2010-07-02T08:42:00.002-05:00

(bee cake here. made for a girl named JEN.)

i solemnly swear to not talk about placenta or post a picture of it. otherwise, enjoy the story of my birth:

26 years ago, my momma was just hanging out a day before my due date when she started to have back pains. just kidding, momma - you're in labor! she didn't even REALIZE it until our neighbor said, "peggy ann, for real, woman, you're having a baby." ahhh, so to the hospital they go.

mom wasn't totally dilated yet, so dad hung out in the hallway with the doc and the nurse. the doctor mentioned an article he had just read in a medical journal that stated that normal/average/regular dudes have seven to ten erections a night. he was in the process of trying to convince his wife to stay up all night one day to run a tally. he wanted to see if he was average.

so then, the nurse mentioned that she was hungry or thirsty or wanted to get away from erection talk or something, so the doc told her to go grab something to eat while they waited for me.

half an hour later, a really tall nurse comes back and says, "ZOMG you'll NEVER GUESS what just happened! Nurse 1 was just in the cafeteria getting tea and the water from the machine splashed out and HIT HER IN THE EYE, burning it! she just went to the ER." no big. sorry, Nurse 1. welcome to my delivery, Nurse 2.

so Nurse 2 joins my dad and the doc and they head into the delivery room. the doc is moving things around and there is this huge, giant metal lamp that he readjusts to see better. as he's moving it, the big tall nurse walks right into it, slicing a GIANT BLEEDING GASH across her forehead. Nurse 2 down for the count and out to the ER herself. oy vey. peace out Nurse 2, please come in Nurse 3. we're having a party here! Nurse 3 enters and apparently manages to make it through my delivery without sustaining any type of emergency medical care. unclear how she managed that, but good on her.

drama drama drama and i wasn't even breathing air yet. whatevs. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

oh, and happy independence day to you!

and now for a photo of a baby elephant!

2010-06-16T09:42:00.002-05:00

(taken from NJ and National Political blog)

on yoga and baby elephants

2010-06-15T22:57:00.002-05:00

i found this entry on my computer last sunday. coincidentally, i wrote on the first day of teacher training and found it on the last day. i think i'll share

Today was the first day of yoga teacher training. I guess I should take some notes on how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, etc so I can assess some sort of process and forward progress. I don’t know if that’s where this is going. I’m not exactly sure what I should be writing about. I don’t know that there are these measurable things... I guess I can start with OM. I really don't think i can om long enough. I feel like I never have enough breath and such to make it as long as everyone else. Do other people have this crazy, neurotic fear of OM, too?

So, anyway, we started out the day with chanting to the Hindu god, Ganesha. I am just guessing that Ganesha is a Hindu god, though it's a pretty good guess. I know he is an elephant, but that is all. I just did a Google image search and it kind of looks like Ganesha might be a girl. There are some images with some curly, curly eyelashes. As you can also see, I don’t know shit about Ganesha. Except that he/she is pretty important, is an elephant, and likes to bash shit down. Ganesha is Wack-A-Mole of life’s obstacles, apparently, which is probably why we opened with chants to him. Starting something new, especially something as committed as a yoga teacher training, is bound to have obstacles within it. So Ganesh, I hope our chanting worked. I hope I can remember your powerful elephant trunk when obstacles pop up.

After opening mantras, we spent a lot of time going through everyone’s name, astrological sign, pets, and their own yoga stories. D told hers, which involved her falling into yoga to avoid getting her perm wet sometime in the 80s and I told mine which included vomitting during a Bikram class. We all have to start somewhere.

There seem to be a lot of dancers or ex-dancers in this class and a lot of people really into that whole Energy Moving, Reiki Healing stuff. I felt a little intimidated, as I guess most everyone did.

After introduction time, A came in to break down Sun Salutations for us. We did a few together, then she turned it around on us and had us break into groups of three and four to teach/watch/do our own Sun Salutations. The other girls in my group all shied away from the teaching/speaking portion first, and normally I would too. I guess because no one else stepped up, in a very unlike me move, I said, “oh alright, I’ll start.”

I’ll tell you right now, it was a god damn mess. I had the girls inhaling their exhales and going from Down Dog to Headstand and it was just all messed up. (I didn’t actually have them go from Down Dog to Headstand, but that’s what it felt like). I must have done hundreds of Sun Salutations in my life. I can do them in my room right now, just to show you. But for the life of me, telling someone else how to do a Sun Salutation was HARD. So hard, in fact, that I thought, “just what the HELL am I doing here right now?” I’m 100% sure all the other girls (or at least, the ones in my group) thought the same thing. At least that was comforting.

We all got to run through giving out the instructions to each other a few times and by the third time, it was much easier to remember “inhale, raise your arms up overhead.” Perhaps some of us are born with the ability to roll perfect Sun Salutations off our tongues. Perhaps the mouth needs to warm itself up, not unlike the rest of our muscles. Perhaps it takes time for these things to unfold. Or perhaps, we’re all just baby elephants, blinding trying to get through the first few days without our big, giant trunks getting in the way.

on The Miserables

2010-06-11T15:41:00.005-05:00

YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE.
i have an announcement about The Miserables.

i have been researching my own miserables via a super secret twitter account who's sole purpose on the internets is to track The Miserables AS THEY HAPPEN. i have been able to ascertain that The Miserables always appear in groups. it is unclear whether they send in the strongest of The Miserables first to break you down and make you more susceptible to other Miserables or if they just always attack in large numbers, attempting a rapid-fire technique to see what sticks. i can officially say that The Miserables almost always travel in packs. they are more dangerous than our high tech lab technicians had previously believed. one Miserable and your whole day is off. The Miserables are nothing to mess around with. they will eat your mind, body, and soul. not much is known about how to rid of The Miserables, but i highly suggest you stay away from the Wawa at 10th and Walnut, a known breeding ground for The Miserables. you should probably also stay away from G-Lounge, just to be on the safe side. some believe that the well known home remedy of an entire half-gallon of ice cream will keep The Miserables at bay, while others swear by a full box IV of red Franzia. whatever you do, keep yourselves safe out there. it is almost the weekend and we don't need any miserables mucking shit up, so consider this your official PSA of the day to stay aware of The Miserables.

stay alert.

stay alive.

stay away from The Miserables.

on communities sharing their agriculture

2010-06-01T12:38:00.003-05:00

here's a quick pic of our veggie share from our CSA last week. no no, not the Confederate States of America or the Canadien Space Agency or even the California Society of Anesthesiologists, but Community-Supported Agriculture. because we're hippie-dippie over here. and we like to try new things. and eat a lot of lettuce, you'll see.

i am quite certain that the half-share is enough for me and my roommate, A. i am also quite certain that the insane amount of lettuce is going to continue as today's scheduled pick up includes more lettuce, more kale, and the addition of spinach, cress and garlic scapes (wtf is garlic scapes!?).

did you know that radishes are spicy? bizarre. i am now well aware of why i didn't eat radishes before. thank god we aren't receiving more radishes today.

i had to google-research scallions last week because i didnt really know how to use those and all i found was this:

(taken from the nibble.com)

and this:

for. real. scallions are for making weird vegetable puppets. talk about playing with your food.

and when you google-research scapes, the all-mighty powers that be ask if you mean scabies. uh no, i did not mean scabies. you can google-image that one yourself to figure out the difference. gross. they did not ask if i meant professor snape, which i feel may be a more accurate comparison to scapes. apparently scapes are good friends with the washington post and enjoy being made into pesto sauces. i'll report back, potentially with pictures, maybe with puppets.

on the flyers and lord stanley

2010-05-25T10:19:00.031-05:00

i have the sads. the flyers are going to the stanley cup. why is this so sads, you may ask? well, the sads is because i haven't paid much attention to hockey in years. i have the sads because i am not a real flyers fan anymore, when this is clearly the most awesomest time to be one since seventh grade. which, coincidentally may have been when both my interest and the talent of the flyers peaked. it's been crash and burn ever since.

i still wish i had my Lindros in front of the art museum poster up. he was a dreamboat, that eric. my mom loved john leclair. and then my dad told me that "brind'amour" meant lover of bread and i thought that was a stupid last name for a hockey player. but since then, my parents have traded in their season tickets for a house in the poconos and i'm pretty sure i only went to one game with my sis and the parentals this year. maybe two games, but i'm pretty sure just one.

so i am getting back in the game and to start i will now present to you...
My Awesometastic Slash Based on Nothing Really Factually Relevant and/or Perhaps Even Remotely Correct Guide to the 2010 Eastern Conference Champs Slash YOUR Philadelphia Flyers:

Hartnell - he has the crazy hair and i bet he's probably pretty goofy in the locker room. i'm talking whoopie pad crap.

The Center City Line - i think this one got fucked up when one of them got traded but i still really like the idea of an awesome line like the Legion of Doom. MOAR WITTY LINE NAMES, PLZ.

Jeff Carter - the one that my sister likes. the one the whole delaware valley likes.

Simon Gagne - the only one who's been on the team for a super long time anymore. his last name means "win." IT'S DESTINY, BITCHES.

Danny Briere - sounds like he'd be totally hot, but i'm pretty sure he's not. also, maybe starred in some sort of Buffalo-centric eastern motors rip off type commercial

That Guy That Everyone Calls "Lappy" - he probably knows a good dentist in philly if you're in the market

Carcillo - likes to fight people. if they made a bobblehead out of him, they'd probably just give him bobble gloves instead

Cote - i feel like i should know something about him, but i'm at a total loss

Mike Richards - he's like Charlie Conway in my childhood favorite movie the Mighty Ducks (the original). all around good guy. the captain.

You don't really need to know any of the defensive guys except maybe Pronger and Kimmo, who is pretty much an ancient sage at this point.

As for the goalies, my brother tells me that Bouche is a douche who can't make easy saves so they replaced him with some guy is who is lightening on ice, if lightening could be on ice and not melt it. coincidentally, the new kid's name is Leighton so let's just go ahead and bring on all the "leight-ening" puns now. and sads for Emery who i feel is pretty cool, but he's stuck being injured.

Lauren Hart is pretty much the coolest chick ever and i've had a mad girl crush on her ever since i heard her sing. i kind of want to be lauren hart. i hear she has a record. and look, i get that she's no Kate Smith, but KS died when i was two.

That Fat Dancing Guy Named Shawny - i am positive that his title needs no more elaboration, but he has a myspace if you really need more information.

Sign Guy - again, not much more elaboration needed.

and you know what else i know? I KNOW THAT DIRECTV DOESN'T SHOW A SINGLE GAME OF THE FLYERS ON OUR TELEVISION PACKAGE ANYWAY SO EVEN IF I WANTED TO WATCH, I COULDN'T. I'D haaaaaaaaaaave TO GO TO THE BAR AND SOCIALIZE OR ELSE LISTEN TO IT ON THE RADIO which totally isn't the same or nearly as cool AS LISTENING TO THE PHILS ON THE RADIO AND I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I ALREADY TRIED IT THE OTHER NIGHT.

if it gives me anymore street cred, CLove and i went to the Flyers Wives Fight For Lives carnival this year (thanks, her boss!) and we played that fishing game where everyone is guaranteed a prize because we are the people who need prizes guaranteed. i snagged DOS bags with my fishing line and got to pick between a plastic lunch box and mini frisbee or a teeshirt. i now have a bright orange flyers teeshirt, so there's that. that gives me some more street cred, right?

also, it's as cold as an ice rink in my office, so i thought that should also count as points for me.

AND i had two teeth removed last week (more on that later), so i'm really feeling an extra special kinship to lappy and the gang recently.

and you know what else? one person can't even finish a full deep dish pizza themselves unless you want to end up Biggest Loser so plus one (finally) for the cheesesteak! bring it, chicago.

LET'S. GO. FLYERS.
clap. clap. clapclapclap.

and here, i made you this flyers heart to prove my love:

jean domination

2010-03-01T12:49:00.002-05:00

alright, jeans. things have been getting a little out of control lately. your father and i have already had this discussion with you a few times before.

now, what's this i hear about jean pajamas? oh, you didn't think anyone would tell me? how did i find out? i found out because i'm the mom and mom's always find out. (ed. note: i have ALWAYS wanted to say that to someone. also, my own mom always found out. moms are just amazing like that.)

jeans, listen. we know you're having some growing pains and for awhile you felt like you had to be at the gym every day, and then you feel the need to rebel a little bit, so you were hanging out with those weed-smoking snowboarders up in vancouver. but this just takes the cake, jeans. you can't be hopping into people's beds all day and night, like some kind of whiskey-drinking, flapper-dancing floozy.

get a hold of yourself, jean! you're turning into the cranberry of juices. you can't just go around throwing yourself into everybody's juices! you saw what happened to cranberry. she got all mixed up with the entire fruit basket and now there's a bunch of cranapple, crangrape, crankiwimangobananapears running amuk all over. call us old-fashioned, but we don't want that for you. we just want you to be happy. you should probably have a chat with your Uncle Levi about character and family values.

we want you to express yourself, we really do! that's why we never said anything when you were all distressed and shit. and remember back in the 80s when you went through that acid wash phase? we were behind you all the way. and that time, when you cut all your length off and told us you'd only answer to the name "jorts"? c'mon jeans!

i blame it on those binge-y friends of yours, those skinny jeans. if it weren't for them, you'd never be coming to us with these radical ideas of horsing around with gore-tex and lycra.

i'm sorry jeans, but we simply cannot allow you to go out all hours of the night with those pajamas. we have high expectations for you. please don't yell. just finish your green beans and go upstairs and start on your homework. you'll thank us one day. i hope.

Quad This, Bitch!

2010-02-19T15:16:00.005-05:00

image cred.

The Official Definition of Figure Skating:

–noun

1.ice skating in which the skater traces intricate patterns on the ice.
2.a type of ice skating developed from this, emphasizing jumps, spins, and other movements that combine athletic skills and dance techniques.
3.a competitive sport in which the skater is required to execute school figures and to perform one or more original programsof difficult jumps, spins, etc., to a musical setting.

The Official Quotes on Quad Jumps in Figure Skating:

“It’s not figure jumping; it’s figure skating.” - Frank Carroll, Evan Lysacek's coach
“Now it’s not figure skating. Now it’s dancing.” - Yevgeny Plushenko, Men's Figure Skating Silver Medalist

people, people, people. according to the almighty power that be -- dictionary.com -- this word has been around circa 1865. can we decide on a definition, please? look, yev, part of the definition involves dance techniques. you can't forget about that. but i feel you man, i feeeeeeeeeel you.

my favorite part of this debate is that it is occuring the day after the men's skating and the women's snowboarding halfpipe last night.

nearly every girl last night totally bombed a jump on the halfpipe during at least one of their runs. even the gold medalist, torah bright, had the worst friggin' run of anyone in the entire first round. the announcers just kept saying, "go big or go home" and everyone was just pulling out tricks right and left and suffering near-concussion-inducing-coccyx-breaking level falls. one chick fell twenty-two (22) feet from the air. dayum. but as they say: the bigger they are, the harder they fall; no pain, no gain; no guts, no glory; make new friends, but keep the old. whatever.

point is, this shit evolves. did anyone see scott hamilton stomping shit out with the quad in 1984?

no, because people didn't even HAVE quads in 1984. your patella went straight to your hip, from what i hear. life and sports evolve. like monkies and quad jumps. see that first definition? figure skating used to be just making some damn crazy eights on the ice. it was crazy, go crazy! now we have axles and lutzes and mc-corkin-borkin rotations.

listen, Figure Skating, and listen well, because as an olympic event not based on speed, you guys are going to have to step it up a little. should you need to perform a quad toe loop in order to secure a gold medal? eh, maybe not. but i've seen a thousand triple toe loop, lutz, salchows, to last me a lifetime. i better see some f'ing quintuplet loops in Sochi or i'm going to be one unhappy camper. entertain us, dammit! actually, can we get some quint salchows up in here? the word salchow needs a comeback, i think. and it starts with you, sochi. let's do this. go big or make like a leaf and get the fuck outta here.

BUT if figure skating is determined to stay static, then perhaps plushenko should consider snowboarding. i hear shaun white doesn't settle for quad crap.

ps. johnny weir was totally robbed.

pps. i can't wait for johnny weir to make it work.

ppps. where can i get those awesome glitter rhinestone mother russia sneakers plushenko was sporting?

don't do this at home, kids

2010-02-18T07:00:00.003-05:00

"It takes a special kind of idiot to decide to get up on the roof of a house with an open flame, but that's exactly what some workers in the Rockville area of Montgomery County did on Tuesday, the Post reports. They were apparently trying to use a propane torch to clear ice from the roof. Smarties, these ones." from dcist

i won't lie. last week, i wondered why no one just took hair dryers to their cars during this blizzard and then i thought about inventing a giant car dryer since you clearly need more power than a rinkydink nano ceramic technology hair dryer.

but hey, at least ed hardy got into the business of drying:

srsly. buy yours at ulta. or don't. because what the hell, ed hardy? who buys these?

a lenten haiku

2010-02-17T12:30:00.003-05:00

dr pepper can
full of sweet delicious juice
cannot give you up

doctor, oh doctor
you make the world taste better
i am addicted

okay, so my haikuing skills suck today. but honestly, i drink a can of dr pepper everyday. i love it. i love it so much i would consider marrying it. i love it more than cherry cola and strawberry soda combined. but what are you, DP, a boysenberry? cowberry? lingonberry!? were you actually invented by the swedes in texas? whatever you are, you are delicious to me. mr pibb doesn't even come close. he's the splenda of dr pepper. can we get some throwback vintage formulas up in here?

which is why i must give you up. for forty days and forty nights. it is what jesus would want me to do. i spent a good deal of time thinking about what i would give up. i thought of giving up meat or the internet or doing an ayurvedic diet, but soda rots your teeth more than tweeting while eating a double bacon cheeseburger. and i really do have a can of soda everyday. so no more! begone with you and your carbonation that i crave mid-lunch. prepare yourselves now for the wrath of my caffeine headached blogs around 3pm from here on out.

and no, green tea is not the same. it may have caffeine, but it doesn't have 23 mysterious flavaflavs, now does it?

MORE FITNESS JEANS, PLEASE!

2010-02-17T07:30:00.005-05:00

the jean pants are taking over the world. THE WORLD. first, there were jean yoga pants. and now there are jean snow pants. and that one male skater had some overalls on last night. a skating jean overall costume.

dear god, jeans! where do you stop with this world domination?? i know they can't be that cool, since johnny weir didn't wear them.

but back to the snowboarding jean-pant-things because my god, i am so jealous of those pants, i can't even say. not even kidding, i would look so much cooler wearing these jean type things than i did on my previous snowboarding expedition. you can even judge for yourself, you judgers:

see? those jean snow pants would have helped immensely. plus maybe my hair not being all gigantic mess in the face everywhere. i need a shaun white headband. and that cute little plaid jacket. and also, that bandanna, or any bandanna really, because MY GOD, DID THE WIND BURN LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. scarves did not help. not one bit. you need a cool gangsta bandanna to do super tricks like Get Down The Mountain Without Killing Yourself and Try Not to Hit Anyone Else, Especially Not That Adorable Five Year Old on the Skis Because You Are Twenty Years Older Him and So Much Larger and You Will Probably End His Life If You Crash Into Him So Why Don't You Just Fall Down On Your Ass Right Now Instead Because His Parents Would Probably Appreciate That More Than an Emergency Trip to the Emergency Room. though, perhaps i don't need a lucky bandanna because i managed to get those tricks down.

and i know you're judging about the helmet so i'm going to give you this little anecdote:

two of my friends recently sustained major/minor head jostling and decided to wear their own helmets to the slopes. i asked the rental ticket guy if all the cool kids wore helmets. he said, "well, uh, do you value your head?" blondie next to him chimes in all snarktastic with her 17 years of glorious wisdom and coolness: "i value MY head and I don't wear one of those." the dude whips around and says, "and you ran into a concrete wall." done. for twelve dollars more, done. yes, i value my head. ALSO, DUDE, you didn't tell me that shaun white wears one! shame shame shame. awful helmets and head lice for all! on second thought, perhaps we should all buy our own helmets. they'll be way cooler and you can probably get hearts and hipster naval stars and swallows decaled all over them.

also, Visa, i'd really like to win the sweepstakes for attending the olympics for the rest of my life. consider this my entry, thanks.

you are so gross, mac salade.

2010-02-16T19:26:00.003-05:00

Wawa Macaroni Salad, Net Weight 5 oz (142g)

Amount Per Serving:

Calories: 500
Total fat: 42g (65% DV)
Sat fat: 7g (35% DV)
Trans fat: 1g
Cholest: 50mg (17% DV)
Sodium: 960mg (40% DV)
Total carb: 38g (13% DV)
Fiber:1g (4% DV)
Sugars: 12g
Protein: 5g
Vitamin A: 20% DV
Calcium: 2% DV
Iron: 8% DV

I somehow accidentally got macaroni salad instead of mac and cheese from wawa. And before you get up in my shit about getting wawa mac and cheese in the first place, sometimes you just want some GD cheese covering up some macaroni, so playa please! i was in a hurry. clearly i was in a hurry, because i somehow pushed the magical button for macaroni salad instead of macaroni and cheese. while completely disappointed about this, i decided to try said mac salad.

let me tell you right now, as your own personal secret shopper and buyer extraordinaire, do not, under any circumstances go near this macaroni salad. i don't even care if you are on The Road, running from a pack of crazy canibals who are about to kill you and your son and bbq the two of you up like roast duck, stay the fuck away. do. not. eat. not only does it tastes like vomit stewed in mayo, it's got 40% THAT'S FOR-TY PUH-CENT WHICH IS LIKE F'ING HALF of your daily value of sodium. half of your daily Na, atomic number 11. you may as well just chug from a salt shaker. disgusto.

but don't take my word for it.

wii, you suck

2010-02-02T14:34:00.002-05:00

my parents got a wii for christmas this year. strike that, Santa brought the Bee Family a wii for christmas this year. but ever since all the kids went back to their respective schools/lives/etc, and since poppa bee's doctor told him to lose twenty pounds, momma and poppa bee have been wii-fitting their ways through their days.

dad claims to have lost ten pounds already by wii-ing. apparently, it's working for people in the UK, too. that woman lost one-full-miss-bee size using the wii. she lost an entire ME using her wii. it must be working. and it's way cheaper than the gym or yoga class.

i was mostly curious about this wii yoga and what my parents were doing weighing the dog on the wii. sure enough, little Buddy Beealge has his own mii. so i spent a ruckus saturday night creating a little mii with mom and dad.

so i've got my cute little mii-bee ready, and i've made it small and skinny and then it weighs me and tells me that i'm perilously close to being underweight. the wii then proceeds to tell me to GAIN fifteen pounds. that is my goal - GAIN weight. i have one month, the wii warns. it'll be asking for mii. so i'm already annoyed with the mii for telling me stupid things, when it decides to test my wii-age with a series of balance tests. mind you, this is the first time i have ever stepped on the stupid wii fit balance board. so i try to hang tough, but i failed at the third test. out of five. and it didn't even let me try tests four or five. and DUN-DA-DA-DUM! my wii fit age is FORTY THREE.

oh, bite me, wii fit. forty three? you're a sham and your mother is a sham. you just called me nicole richie and now you're telling me that i'm a middle-aged woman? psht.

for the record, i took the wii age test the next day and got 20. that's still an average of 31.5, which i am NOT happy about.

Ain't No Toof-fairy Up In Here

2010-01-22T17:20:00.002-05:00

I guess I can't really be too pissed off about someone (coughcoughUSPS) stealing Doogie's Christmas present in December. I mean, at least it wasn't something REALLY important, you know, like teeth. Poor Laperriere.

As an aside, I feel like vomiting all over the world every time I see that Soles For Souls outtakes video because all I can think about is how completely disgusting it would feel to have your teeth knocked out by a fucking puck. I really think I can't write much more about this because I am going to hurl all over this desk.

Also THIS:

"When you're 20 years old and you lose some teeth, it's OK, now you look like a hockey player. But when you are 36, it's not so cool."

I'm going to go with "not-so-cool" all the time. My freshman year boyfriend once had his teeth knocked out from him and his friends throwing hangers at each other. We were 18. Right. Not so cool.

Black With Pink Ribbon

2010-01-08T16:17:00.002-05:00

recently on facebook, someone decided that all the girls of the facebook world should post the color of their bra in their status without saying anything to all the boys in the facebook room and let the boys wonder what all the random colors meant. it was meant to raise awareness of breast cancer.

look, i've got nothing against awareness and i've blamed drew's cancer a whole bunch, but let me say this: boys stink at paying attention to details. maybe it's just my boy, but he's awful at that photo hunt game at the bar. really awful. even when he's focused on paying attention, he's just not that good. he doesn't really notice if my hair is black or brown or red. i'm not really sure many other boys notice that kind of thing either. did we really think that colors in our facebook stati were going to get all the boys to think about breast cancer? and what do we care about boys wondering what's going on with bra colors? is this about being coy and acting all "ZOMG, everybody knows my bra color!"? or is it about awareness?

because even though i got the chain-message about the bra thing from multiple friends, i didn't really think about cancer all that much yesterday, depsite it being all up in my facebook.

it wasn't until after yoga class last night, when i was talking with Doogie that he said he spent 12 hours yesterday cutting out bobbies and making new ones out of a woman's back fat.

after some research, i pretty sure he spent the day performing (or helping perform) latissimus dorsi flaps. or something. i don't know, i'm not a doctor. but apparently, after they cut out your boobies, they can give you new ones using your back fat. i'm confused a little bit, because then what happens to your back? but i guess they make noses out of butt fat too. right? isn't that what michael jackson did?

anyway, he assured me that her back and new boobs looked fine. wanna know the amazing part though? they don't just cut out the fat from one side of you and scoop onto the front of you with an ice cream scoop or anything. they have to keep the tissue alive and maybe keep some of that stuff like blood veins or whatever alive and pumping so the fat tissue actually STAY INSIDE YOU while they swish it from your back to your front. HOW F'ING GROSS DOES THAT SOUND? it sounds really flippin' gross. it sounds really cool too, but i dont think i'll watch the surgery channel for that one.

so if we're going to raise some awareness around here, let's talk about latissimus dorsi flaps. it's a little more englightening than not keeping victoria's secret, wouldn't you say?

Okay 2000s

2010-01-04T13:53:00.002-05:00

Having heard this song in the car on the way up to North Jersey for some celebratory champion New Years Eve-ery, I can officially say that this was the best dang song of the decade. Oh, yes. Just try to get this song out of your head for the rest of the day.

Requisite End of 2009 Post Full of Lists and Shit

2009-12-31T12:28:00.002-05:00

I think the title pretty much says it all, so let's get started shall we?

2009, i don't really know what to say to you. In some aspects, you were lightyears better than 2008, but you still managed to throw a bunch of shit at the wall just to see what stuck. 2009, you can take your late mornings, your crappy computer, and your last-ditch-effort-engagement rings with you. You can take your cleanses and your drama and your Yankees World Series too. Put your crappy motivation back on the shelf. Goodbye Myspace and Friendster and feeling pressure to write about dumb people on Craigslist. See ya, non-decorated, poor feng shui office, you've already started to crumble into something prettier.

Yoga, you can stay.

The Pine Cone Wreath

2009-12-26T12:00:00.006-05:00

ugh, okay so you're just going to have to deal with the shitty photos from my phone since my own camera is missing its charger. Apologies for blurriness and other things, but you'll get the idea. I promise. If not, well, next year. Or something. And i'll have you know that all baking and creating and being Martha gave me an opthalmic migrane, so y'all better appreciate. Photos in installments. A series of Martha!

Oh and i didn't take photos of the chocolate chip cookies, oatmeal cookies, peanut butter blossoms, or bark candies because i figured you all know what that stuff looks like. The trifle, however, is totally documented.

so let's talk about wreaths.

decided to go all natural, and had them picked straight off the trees and grounds of the garden state pine barrens. i won't lie, this is less about me being sustainable and creative and thrifty and more so because doogie howser mocked me for buying pine cones in the fall. "who BUYS pine cones? i can get you all the pine cones you want for free!" to be fair, they were POTPOURRI pine cones. regardless, i ended up with a giant shopping bag full of pine cones and not enough vases to fill with them. so... wreath.

my friend radman (who is a self-proclaimed Marty Stewart [Martha's male counterpart]) and I spent a solid couple hours on this one Sunday night. for the record, that crafty bitch makes it sound SO EASY on her website. as you'll see, my wreath is half the size of hers and there is absolutely no way that i could have possibly wrapped anymore floral wire around that piece even if i tried. bunions. of the finger nature. that shit hurt. hot glue guns are HIGHLY recommended.

the wreath started out looking like the equivalent to Charlie Brown's christmas tree. i probably should have taken photos of the wreath in that stage because it was truly, spectacularly horrible. my only advice is to keep on trucking and just throw a bunch of crap on it. and keep throwing crap on it. and when you think you're close to being finish, just throw some more crap onto it. what do you got, bells? throw some bells on there. balls? everyone loves christmas balls. twigs, sticks, hersey's kisses? whatever, all of it. go to town at michael's. spray some of those pine cones gold if you're feeling jolly. there is no "less is more" or "god is in the details" Mies design restraint when it comes to pine cone wreathing. and get a pretty bow to tie it up all nice. and hang it somewhere while you work, but not up too high, lest your arms get really, really tired. oh, and did i mention that glue gun?

anyway, without further ado, pine cone wreathery:

oh hey! i found a better photo:

I have still yet to figure out how to de-sap the pine cones and that guy on the left has started to go a little rogue on me. Next year....

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T00:01:00.016-05:00

I know how much you people love my drawings and miss my posts, so here's a BONUS TWO IN ONE! Just because it's Christmas!

I know, I know, I shouldn't have.

Merry Christmas Internet! I hope the World Wide Web got you everything you asked for this Christmas (like Twitter never shutting down?)!

Anyway, enjoy this ecard. Sorry it doesn't sing to you or move or anything, but it's HAND DRAWN. How many cards did you get in the mail that were hand drawn?

No, seriously, happy holidays.

Penguins Like Christmas, too

2009-12-23T13:46:00.007-05:00

Hey look! A post to hold you over!

And yes, I KNOW the penguins don't have any arms or flippers. They're bad ass penguins who don't even NEED flippers. Head butting is how you show true love.

And naturally, Javier has to stand me up with his hand drawn, not photoshopped awesome Penguin Jock Jams scene:

And now, a little haiku to supplement:

Penguins like to dance.

Be aggressive! B! E! A-

gressive! Hit it, yo.

I Need These.

2009-12-01T12:27:00.002-05:00

I need these something turrrrrible.

I have been on a complete country cowboy kick lately. Then S. told me about her thanksgiving trip to Nashville and I was so jealous. I want to drink whiskey in a honkytonk with a guy yellin' "hhhhhheeeellllllllllllllllllll yeeeeeeeeeeeeyahhhhh!" In these boots.

I Want That. So Bad.

This just in: I'm changing the holiday season into a Countrytime Christmas. That's right, bring your cowboy boots and your pink lemonade cause we're gonna spike it with vodka and listen to Garth Brooks. And just so we're all clear: I'm talking Reba-Country and not Foxworthy-Redneck here. Actually, i'm talking Carrie Underwood holy hotness country here.

It occurs to me every once in awhile that I might just be a southern belle stuck in a fast-talkin' yankee bitch body. This is one of those whiles.

I am now trying to decide if i can stay brunette or if i'm going to have to strip my hair and bleach it blonde. Sorry, Martina.

How Could I Forget!?

2009-11-25T20:05:00.002-05:00

There is one video that came into my life this year that has absolutely changed my life, completely and 100% for the better, better than anything else i've ever, ever, ever seen ever.

I can hardly walk into my parents' house without someone yelling "whoa! woooooow! whoaaaaa! oh oh! wow!"

We Bees love our internets, so I'd like to send out a whole thanks, on behalf of the Beehive this Thanksgiving season to the Whoa Lobster baby for always be there to cheer me up and make me laugh even when i have The Miserables.

This kid makes me want some children of my own to dress up in Hawaiian shirts and videotape their introduction to live crustaceans.

I'd embed that shit if i could, but it's been disabled, so go hobble and gobble on over to the youtubes and enjoy for yourself.

Also, major thanks to J for bringing this delightful thing into my life.

WHOA! WOW!

i love you turkey, i love you other things

2009-11-25T15:46:00.002-05:00

you love turkey. i love turkey. tomorrow is a day to be thankful for turkeys. i am thankful that i am not a vegetarian, so that i can partake in the turkey. and because it's not thanksgiving without a hand turkey, i now present to you, circa 1992, with a dash of 2005 college photoshop work, my thanksgiving wishes to each and every one of you:

oh shit, can you peeps read that?

in no particular order, it says:

1. my fingers aren't really this fat, i swear!
2. <3 the bee
3. is this an easter egg or what?!
4. i swear this is a turkey beak.
5. HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
6. what i can only assume is some sort of cashmere sweater.

and since it's not thankgsiving without a collage, i now present to you, The Bee's Best Thanksgiving Day Photo Collage That 2009 Could Possibly Offer Ever:

Hope you kids like it. I like it. That's all that matters, really. As long as I'm happy. But did I miss something? Shout it out, if I missed something superdooper huge. I think I got it all. I think.

And before you people get all "but where are your family and friends!?" on me, they know what pertains to them. They know. I don't really love big basses for the hell of it, people.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I Meant To Tweet, Edition 1

2009-11-25T10:36:00.004-05:00

I think the title is pretty self explanatory. Things I meant to tweet but didn't. These come from last night's Drexel-Penn basketball game at the Palestra. I don't even like basketball. The rivalry proved awe-inspiring, however.

Penn Sign to Drexel:

-Drexel, can you read this?
-Can you read anything?

HIYO! GET IT!? 'CAUSE DREXEL'S NOT AN IVY LEAGUE AND THEREFORE DOESN'T TEACH LITERACY! AAAAHHAAAAAHA! OBVS.

Drexel Sign to Penn:

- AJ Drexel, the man who built Wall St.
- Wharton grads, the men who took it down

HIYO! GET IT!? 'CAUSE ALL PENN KIDS ARE SILLY WHARTONS!

Penn to Drexel:

-Mario is a FLAMER

HIYO! GET IT?! 'CAUSE THE DREXEL MASCOT IS A DRAGON! HILARIOUS! GAY JOKES! HIGH FIVES!

Drexel Chant to Penn:

Homo!
Phobic!

HIYO! GET IT!? 'CAUSE WE'RE RETALIATING SINCE THEY CALLED MARIO GAY, BUT WE'RE ALSO SUBTLY CALLING THEM HOMOS! TOUCHE! HIGH FIVES!

You stay classy, Philadelphian college students. You too, Dragondog.

Mario DragonDog Photo from: http://walkthiswayllc.wordpress.com/2008/10/31/halloween-pictures/

On Yoga and $80 Pants

2009-11-18T12:16:00.005-05:00

I was on the phone with my mother the other night, drunkenly dictating my Christmas list to her. Yes, I am 25 and my mother still asks me for a Christmas List. Last year included a crock pot. Fucking money. If I can't have a wedding registry, I may as well get a Christmas List. This year's list includs a bookcase from West Elm (which Mom told me half of which was a birthday present that I never received), a 12-pack of Dr. Scholls gellins and some 80 dollar yoga pants.

And don't smirk at my Dr. Scholls. Probably the most amazing little stocking stuff ever. Transforms every last awesomely hot, but awesomely excruciating heels into flats. Kind of.

And don't smirk at my 80 dollar yoga pants. Mom squealed about it already. Wants to know if the pants come with the ohms and transcendence already tucked inside the perfect little key pocket in the back. Sadly, no transcendence. Just hot ass pants. I get that Lululemon is the downfall of the True Meaning of Yoga, but they're great. I'm not changing my mind. My butt looks too good for you to convince me otherwise.

But then, I found these:

Is it a jean? Or a yoga pant? Why, it's both! Someone call Descartes. It's the yoga pant that THINKS it's a jean! It really must be worth 80 dollars, since it has a brain. The Pant thinks you should go to class more often. The Pant thinks you should put that ice cream down. The Pant thinks you're not really putting 110% into this. The Pant thinks arm stands are easy and you're just a pussy.

Not to get all George Will on you, but have we really become a society that needs its sporting wear (is yoga really a sport - apparently, the Bikrams have competitions) to look like regular wear?

I'll say this: I don't think these guys will fly on Casual Friday.

SEPTA Strike Part 2

2009-11-04T10:05:00.003-05:00

Hey y'all. How's that day two feelin? Apparently the train cars are combusting and Amtrak's hopping in on the train delay fun, too. Fun. Market East was relatively quiet for the second day in a row.

The cabbies were again seemingly non-existent this morning, probably due to an large increase in their morning rides.

And how about you guys walking? At least it's not raining. Or snowing. Or sleeting.

And all y'all biking the striking? How is that going?

And now, for a guest blog! Woohoo!

"So, I'm hoofing it to work this morning again, trying to be positive about my forced 1.5 mile walk, when, in the middle of the crowded Market Street sidewalk....
BOOM! A guy on a bike plows into me! Hits me pretty hard.

I, of course, yell, "Hey, get off the damn sidewalk!" He starts screaming at me that I can't be upset since he (apparently) said "Excuse Me" before plowing into me.

I am so f'ing sick and tired of bikers on the damn sidewalk. It's one thing when it's a relatively quiet street at an off-hour, when the person is trying to be polite. It's still not really okay (since it's rude and illegal), but I'm not going to raise a fuss. It's another thing to do it during AM rush hour, on MARKET Street, when the sidewalk is packed because SEPTA is on STRIKE. And it's an even bigger thing to think that it's no-big-deal to HIT a PEDESTRIAN. He was so f'ing cavalier about the whole thing, like he was just some guy who bumped his shoulder into mine. No, buddy, you HIT me with your BIKE, going at a rather brisk clip!

I'm so sick of this shit. First K. (although I suppose she wasn't technically on a sidewalk). The guy who ended up DEAD... The police should be f'ing ticketing every one of these assholes who refuses to follow the law by riding in the street.

What the hell can we do to stop this? I'm all for bikes in the city. I really am. I want more bike lanes and I want tickets for cars who don't respect bikers. But I also want the bikers off the f'ing sidewalks, which are for PEDESTRIANS. Just like it's no real contest between a bike and a car (the car always wins), it's no real contest between a person and a bike. The dead guy from two weeks ago should have taught us that."

The SEPTA strike is hard for us all. Everyone has been affected, whether they ride SEPTA frequently, occasionally, or not at all. Will ticketing help? They've tried it already in DC. They've also ticketed jaywalkers. So, is more policing the answer?

Perhaps it is.

But perhaps, it's deeper than that. I've written about it before. What we need more of in this city is brotherly love. We can all rally around the Phils, pedestrians, cyclists, drivers, all of us. But once we get onto the road, it's full-on warfare. Drivers, you need to share the road with the cyclists. They're here and they're not going anywhere. Cabbies, you're the same as drivers, so you pay attention too. Cyclists, you have a few bike lanes. They are yours and only yours. Please use them. The sidewalks are for pedestrians. The Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia said it themselves: Bicyclists are not pedestrians with two wheels.

And hey, pedestrians? Get off your damn phone. And just so y'all don't think i'm a hypocrite, I hereby pledge to stop tweeting while walking.

Now, even more so than before, we all need to stop being angry and running around like a bunch of Mac and Charlies. The need for everyone to coexist in the city is becoming greater by the day. These factions we've created as a society, based on our commuting preferences, have completely clouded our judgments as a whole.

The strike will undoubtedly get worse before it gets any better. You don't have to sing Kumbaya with each other, but it'd be nice to be nice.

"Fail Rail" by brhefele

On SEPTA

2009-11-03T10:52:00.003-05:00

I'm suppporting SEPTA and the union on this. That doesn't mean this morning's commute didn't suck. Maybe I'm supporting because I have other options to get to work (regional rail, cab, even walking forty minutes). Or maybe because the biggest responsibility for another creature in my life involves a sad little ivy and some even sadder lucky bamboo. But I like to think that I'm supporting the union because this issue is about being fair.

Before we start jumping on the "Be grateful you HAVE a job, Local 234" band wagon (since we will be using band wagons to get around town until this gets sorted out), we should look at a few facts first.

Contract negotiations are for a four year contract. No one is getting a raise right now - we all know that - but in the next four years, the economy will probably bounce back and we'll all be back to getting our merit and performance raises just like we're used to. If SEPTA goes with the city's proposal, they will end up with a 4% raise over the next four years. 1% a year. Which is not a big deal in the end. 1%. ONE PERCENT. For the next four years. So even if the economy is soaring with rainbow-colored ribbons in two years and stays steadily at that, SEPTA will still be locked into their measley raise of one percent a year.

The current median yearly salary for a bus driver in Philadelphia is $25,100 while the median yearly of bus drivers nationwide is $33,900. So even if we give SEPTA their FOUR PERCENT OVER FOUR YEARS raise (GASP!) the average bus driver in Philly will still be making 20% less than all those over bus drivers. Where are the cushy bus driving wages? Are they in cities that are full of potholes, traffice, absent minded pedestrians with ipods, and vigilante cyclists? With all that our bus drivers have to deal with, I'd be pretty pissed too if someone told me that they weren't even going to give me a few bones to inch me closer to the national average.

Let's do some quick math here. One percent of $25,100 is $251 dollars. I'm averaging here for the sake of averaging. $251 a year is $4.83 a week. That's what the raise the union is asking for. Five dollars more a week. The city won't agree to that. Our bus drivers aren't worth that.

Here's the other problem: the people making these big contract decisions - are they even paying attention to the system? On a daily level? Of course not. It's widely known that in the District of Columbia, the people who sit on the Board for WMATA do not ride the system regularly. Those people, in fact, get discounted (perhaps even free) parking in the city. How committed are you, Sir or Ma'am Metro Director, to fixing the problems of the system if you aren't even inherently familiar with the system?

It's the bigwigs who are holding this thing up. Not your bus driver. Remember that.

Also, remember that for an extra five dollars a week, you'd be pissed too.

Photo by lindseyweb

Happy Kahnoween!

2009-10-31T07:00:00.004-05:00

In light of today being Halloween, plus in delight of architects who lived in Philly, I present to you my 2004 (2003??) Catholic University of America Architecture School Pumpkin Carving Contest Honorably Mentioned pumpkin featuring Louis I. Kahn.

And yes, I DID use the dirty side of the pumpkin to my advantage.

Enjoy, you nerds. Happy Halloween.

Clifton Phifer.

2009-10-29T08:20:00.004-05:00

.

Ahhh, yes, Cliff Lee - the boogie man of Yankee fan dreams.

"In fact, if you listen close as you nestle in your bed tonight, you can probably hear him shutting someone out right now." New York Sports

Oh, is that because everyone in New York left the game early and was in bed before the game ended? Is that what that means?

"All night, Section 407 in the upper deck was full of Phillies phans, all swaddled up in red on a chilly night. It looked like the section the team reserved for the players' families and friends. (To tell you how much the Yankees value the opposing team's fans, they put them next to the auxillary press box, as far away from home plate as you can get without actually being in Philadelphia.) In the top of the ninth inning, the section, that section, after an RBI single by Shane Victorino made the score 5-0, began chanting "Yankees Suck! Yankees Suck!" The Stadium crowd, with half the crowd gone and the other half depressed, didn't even respond. For a few seconds, it was all you could hear."

All I have to say is, Dear GOD Philadelphia - you are IN.CRED.IBLE. Look at those Yankees, thinking that they are smiting you with a godawful nosebleed section. And look at you responding with all your years of upbrining in the 700 level of the Vet. You did good, Phillies fans.

And now, Clifton Phifer Lee. On repeat.

Since We're All Doing It...

2009-10-28T17:33:00.003-05:00

Phils.
In 7.
Senor Choochtopher Ruiz, MVP.

If i had any idea how to do a tilde (tilda? CRAP - swirly thing) on this mobile interwebs, i would. you know i would.

i cant even find the side carat, carot? WHATEVER!

good god, i need to fix my computer. i must be the only blogger who can go months without a computer and manage to stay psychologically sound (relatively speaking).

"IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS"

2009-10-27T14:30:00.015-05:00

"Gourds" by oskay

"I don't know about you, but I can't wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I'm about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it's gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There's a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash."

Colin Nissan, I think love you. I think you might be making fun of me, but I think I love you, regardless. The roommates can tell you, when decor time comes in the apartment, I am a fiend. FIEND. Don't get in my way, I've got BINS of stuff crammed into closets under stairs. Don't ask me how much money I spent at the Christmas Tree Shops this weekend, either. I won't tell you, but just you wait, Spruce Street. It's gonna shine like South Philly at #12 come November 27th.

But back to fall. In years past, I've bought (BOUGHT!!) pine cones from Michael's. The dash of pine coney potpourri smell allows the female in me to permit this silly purchase. But this year, I smartened up and baked (BAKED!!) some pine cones freshly picked from the Jersey pine barrens (thanks, Jersey!!). And made (MADE!!) my own applesauce from scratch. Booyah, suckers. I can make applesauce and arrange some gourds.

Oh, that's right, domesticality. Consider the gauntlet thrown, bitches.

I Want To Kiss It!

2009-10-26T15:24:00.005-05:00

A guy I know from high school currently works at UPS. Check out what he's shipping today(!!!):

High Apple Pie In The Sky Hopes

2009-10-21T23:59:00.005-05:00

WHOOP, THERE GOES ANOTHER RUBBER TREE PLANT!

AND THE PHILS ARE GOING TO THE WORLD SERIES AND I WON'T HAVE TO SEE ANOTHER BLACK TACO COMMERCIAL ON TBS!!!!!!!!!

Photo from the blog of the amazing Zoe Strauss.

An Open Letter To Television Commercials

2009-10-21T15:41:00.012-05:00

Dear TBS,

I have had enough.

I used to LOVE guacamole.

I used to LOVE taco bell (a very long time ago, but still).

I indeed HAVE DirecTv.

I am going to SCREAM and throw a remote control through my own television if I see one more cotdamn commercial involving Hess Avocados, Black Tacos, and Fairy Fucking Fergie one more time.

Can we please get some new commercials up in this joint? I don't care if they are piss poor and shoddily thrown together, but I need new material. I have been ~~dreaming~~ nightmaring about Fergie feeding me tacos filled with guac from an elephant for days on end now. It has to stop. I don't want to see another Black Taco. I dont want to look at a Black Taco slideshow. I dont want photoshopping Black Tacos taking over the world. Too much.

I must inform you all, it's time to hop off the Blacktacobandwagon. Let's just continue on our way to Oregon on foot. It's better this way. Just watch out for those rattlesnake bites.

Less Black Taco.

More Children Dressed Up In Phanatic Costumes In Front Of Child-Eating Tigers (via phillyzoo twitters).

Sincerely,

What's It Worth To You?

2009-10-13T12:13:00.007-05:00

"But the cleaner air has come at a cost. Each day since the equipment was switched on in June, the company has dumped tens of thousands of gallons of wastewater containing chemicals from the scrubbing process into the Monongahela River, which provides drinking water to 350,000 people and flows into Pittsburgh, 40 miles to the north."

Dumping chemicals, tens of thousands of chemicals, into the waterways is the wrong solution to the air pollution problem. It's just shifting the problem elsewhere, to some place else, someone else. Water is our most precious resource, people. Will we ever learn?

Bike Lanes And YOU!

2009-09-23T07:44:00.010-05:00

Here comes the wrath of God: the bike lanes are officially open today. In case you were unaware, the City of Philadelphia has removed one lane of traffic from both Spruce and Pine streets to allow for a lane for cycle-specific vehicles.

Unfortunately, people either 1. do not know or 2. do not care.

The radio was full of idiots this morning calling in to complain. One of the largest complaints was that the city is already congested enough and the motorists NEED those traffic lanes. "They go from river to river!" they cried.

I live on Spruce. I walk part of it almost every day. It's probably one of the least congested streets in all of Center City Proper. That's probably why the city picked those streets, instead of Chestnut or Walnut or Market. The volume of traffic on Spruce pales in comparison to Walnut, which runs in the same direction. Perhaps it will change. Perhaps the advent of the bike lane will cause more congestion in motor vehicle only lane on Spruce. Perhaps, but we will have to wait and see.

This morning I saw the bike lane being used as both a driving lane of traffic and a loading lane. The lanes are clearly marked on the street with a bike symbol. Since it's only the first official day, I guess I should give drivers a few days to figure it out. While clearly marked on the street, there are not a lot of signs up. I spied a crumbled "Bike Lane Coming Soon" paper sign strewn in the gutter the other day. You might want to consider a more permanent sign, Philadelphia.

The most unfortunate thing about these lanes, however, is the amount of bitterness and hatred it brings out in people. One woman even suggested hitting cyclists if you should see one in the driving lane when there is a bike lane available. She actually said that. She actually advocated for violent action against other human beings. On the radio. Not in her house, not in her car, on the radio.

In a city that is up in arms over the signing of Michael Vick, it makes me question something I read a few weeks ago, back when the signing was fresh (though, for the life of me, I cannot find to link back). But it made me think, do we value the lives of animals over the lives of other human beings? Perhaps it is because we believe dogs are defenseless when they are being strung up a tree. But how is a person on a bicycle NOT defenseless against a two-ton hunk of metal flying down the road at 30 MPH? Is it because we can easily write it of with a "they should have known"? As in, "they should have known to stay in their own lane and not get in my way." Because we can't share the road. No one wants to. We are all selfish, bikers, drivers, pedestrians alike. We all get around like we own the city streets, that it belongs to us, and that those other people are using it wrong or inefficiently, thus causing us to be inefficient. And God forbid that. We hold our own race to a higher standard, because we have our own thoughts, volition, and free will. Is that the reason for the disconnect? Because we can stand up for our rights, instead of barking for them?

Another caller said, "there are more of us than there are them." In other words, cyclists shouldn't have the right to their own bike lane because they are a minority.

I was wrong to call these people idiots. They do bring up valid concerns on congestion in the city. What they don't bring up is solutions. Everything, on both sides, is "mine, mine, mine." Again, because no one is willing to share the road. The city is not a wasteland that we can continually grow outwards. The city government can't just go around widening streets, knocking down blocks of homes and businesses just to accommodate a parking lane, two lanes of traffic, a bike lane, a sidewalk, and some buffers in between. Perhaps that would work in theory. Perhaps we could all get along if there was a giant expanse of road that allowed for everyone to travel at will at the same time. What would make this road even more amazing would be the lane for the subway/light rail/whatever. But it's all a theory, it would look totally ugly if it were actually implemented and the fact of the matter is that it can't be implemented. We just don't have that much land to dedicate to transportation. And why would we even want to?

Since we can't expand outwards exponentially, we must look for solutions within the confines of the grid. We need to look at ourselves and how our own actions are helping or hindering our city environment before getting caught up in a finger pointing of who's fault it is.

We can start by being nice. Or at the very least, being respectful of others. The bike lanes on Spruce and Pine are there, whether you like it or not. Do not use these lanes as your own personal vendetta against bikers or as a middle finger to The Man. Don't cut each other off so you can make the right hand turn first. And cyclists? Be appreciative and respectful of the cars on the road. You are a delicate being on delicate equipment up against a car who is the antithesis of delicate. In reality, it won't matter to you who's wrong or who's right if you're dead.

So, Philly, can we start there, by being more respectful towards the people in our own city? Can we?

***EDIT***

Center City Philadelphia has put up some thoughts about the bike lanes on their website. I wholeheartedly agree with each bullet point:

Center City’s topography makes this an easy city to bike in. But those cities that have built real bicycle cultures and made a significant mode shift in commuting patterns have built extensive communication systems, including:

signs or road painting to indicate when drivers can enter the bike lane to
make right turns;
signs that warn drivers to yield to bikes when turning right and remind them
in general that cyclists have equal rights to the road;
Parking, standing, and stopping rules indicating limitations in the bike
lane.
Bikers also need education on when and how they should turn left from the
bike lane, how to cross vehicular traffic to turn left and reminders that with
safe streets, sidewalks are for pedestrians;

2009-09-22T11:35:00.009-05:00

Sunday sucked. I'm pretty sure we can all agree on that. I'm also pretty sure my mother had tickets at the club level and didn't invite me to go or even call about any pregaming festivities. Thanks, MOM. We didn't want you on our cornhole/baggo team anyway :(

I'm sure the idiots on WIP have been vomiting up reasons why the Eagles didn't win all day and night since Sunday afternoon. I'll bet it goes something like this: "Kevin Kolb should not be starting, hell, even playing, in a big league like the NFL." I cannot count the number of texts and emails i got that were along the lines of "Garcia would've won this game." It's a pretty topical debate, this QB issue. And then toss Vick in there for some happy holiday stew.

So blame whomever you want. Blame Kolb, blame Reid, isporticus is blaming Donovan. But I know who to blame. I know exactly who to blame. It's not the wind or the celestial powers that be or any quarterback who is or is not wearing an Eagles jersey. It's Turkey Hill.

Yes, Turkey Hill. The Office Ice Cream of the Philadelphia Eagles. Where were they this Sunday? I've had Turkey Hill Eagles Touchdown Sundae cup every time I've been down at the stadium. Sometimes, I have two. On my way down to the game this past Sunday, i got the disturbing text: "Can't find any touchdown sundaes! This is sadness!" sent at 12:15. Low and behold, I couldn't find those precious, delectable, free samples of ice cream anywhere either. Sadness, indeed. At that time, I had no idea the gravity and severity of the missing ice cream. You can't just be going about, changing up game day rituals. That's insanity.

How can we be expected to win, when we can't even find a sundae full of touchdowns?

2009-09-18T10:54:00.011-05:00

I've got a little story for you today. It's a slightly old story, but with a new twist.

Yesterday, I was walking home from the doctor's office shortly after the lunch rush started. Minding my own business, just trying to get home. I cross JFK, near City Hall, headed south. In front of me, on the island at 15th and JFK, an older woman pulls up her long, flowy, hippie-dippie skirt and proceeds to start peeing.

PEEING. She lets it all out, like a fire hydrant, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLAND. It was a solid pee. The gal's clearly drinking her eight cups of water a day, I'll just say that. When she finishes, she just drops her skirt back into place and moves over to crosswalk and waits for the light to turn green. Like nothing happened, like she didn't just pee in front of Michael Nutter's window.

I was appalled. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to yell, "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THIS CITY IS YOUR PRIVATE TOILET, LADY!?" But I didn't. I mean, the woman lifted her skirt to squat in public, who knows how she would have reacted to confrontation.

There weren't any cops in the near vicinity, so she didn't get arrested and by the time I passed a cop, what was I going to do? Say, "Yes, excuse me sir, but someone just peed on the island. You might wanna call someone to get a mop out there." As of that point yesterday, our libraries weren't even staying open, let alone sending a Pee Crew out to wash away the public outhouse known as City Hall.

And just because I'm not sure that y'all really understand what was happening here, I've created a little image to go along with my narrative. Thanks, Google Street View!!

2009-09-14T10:36:00.011-05:00

Oh, hello old friend! Oh, look at you, you're such a mess, you little blog, you.

you're all covered in dust and nobody's looked at you in months. poor thing, comb your hair. you look like you just rolled out of bed. frankly, you look a little like how i feel. let's agree to not channel courtney love, shall we?

it's been nearly a year since i moved back to the philly metropolitan area. almost to the date. september 20th, if i can recall correctly. so, hello year moving anniversary! let's reflect! hip hip hooray! reflection time! and what a perfect time for reflection, too, no? it's anniversary time, autumn equinox time, and i'm about to start 30 days of yoga at the Dhyana studios.

i was really excited about this yoga stuff for the past few days. really excited, until today. today, when i started to plan out my month of yoga classes in my google calendar. i've already noted three days where i'll have to do some home yoga practice in lieu of getting to a class. i've already noted that i can't possibly make ANY morning classes and still get to work on time. i've already planned a week of classes. and i'm about to cry. i'm completely overwhelmed. i'm worried that i can't do it. i'm worried that it'll hurt. i'm worried that my head will pound for days and i'll cry and won't be able to sleep and be totally exhausted and that the demons and toxins in my body will scream in agony as i exorcise them out with practice. i'd almost rather keep the crazy locked up behind bars in the cell of my body. strike that, i WOULD rather stay crazy and full of toxins; it's easier. i'm just that weak. but i've made the decision. i've told my friends. i can't not follow through now.

so naturally, i did the only thing that made sense and i googled it. read some other people's blogs about their bikram yoga 30 day journeys. it didn't make me feel better. i still have a headache. i still want to cry a little bit. i think i'm just going to go eat lunch instead. which stinks because i totally forgot my leftovers in the fridge at home. it's also particularly stupid of me because there were two options and they were both good (1. sam's market tomato pie or 2. palace at the ben chicken cashmere). boo. double boo.

actually, i lied. the only good thing about reading other people's blogs on 30-day bikram challenges are that those crazies were doing BIKRAM for a month. 100+ degree rooms filled with tough-as-nails teachers? screw that.

photo stolen from upi.com. whoops.

I Hate You, Carnival Cruise Fun Ship

2008-12-29T08:34:00.005-05:00

I finally saw this commercial last night. Lest you forgot, key points include:

- STEEL pinata

- FOAM wrecking ball

- TRAP DOOR to release candy

- POLICE FORCE attempting to control the crowd

- Carnival telling everyone to GO HOME the first time they tried to film this

- Children CRYING
- Parents YELLING

- HIPSTERS galore
I must say that Carnival's film crew did an excellent job at portraying the glorious second attempt at bringing that sucker down.

2008-11-17T22:06:00.004-05:00

in a rush this morning, i forgot my book.

by the time i got to the train station, everyone else had swiped a Metro, so i reluctantly picked up the very last half-week-old city paper from the stand. (who PAYS for newspapers? not i, said the little red hen). so i blew through the city paper and was finished by the time i got off the train.

when i got back on the train in the afternoon, i was empty handed. so i went for the ipod, but sadly realized that i had forgotten my headphones in this morning's rush. boo, what a stinkin' train ride.

later, on the train, i thought i saw a guy that looked like my friend matt. he looked so much like matt, that i almost called out, "matt!!" but then i stopped myself.

because maybe it was not matt.
but it sure looked like matt.

so i looked at the guy, trying to figure out if the side profile really was matt or not.

eventually he caught me staring.
i quickly looked away.

but then i thought, maybe it IS matt, so i looked back again.
and then he looked up.
we locked eyes. crap! again! i look away!

but i have no book, so i can't divert my eyes to anything but my hands.
not matt! crap!

i stare out the window, and in the reflection, i can see that he's now looking at me.
i turn to look at him and he awkwardly looks away. then back again.

crap! crap! what is this? is this train flirting!? oh lawd, i was just trying to figure out if it was matt or not.

so i can't look out the window, because then i'll catch his reflection.
and i can't look at a book because i dont have a book or a magazine or a newspaper.
and i cant daze off into an glazed ipod haze because i have no ipod.

so i look over to the guy sharing my seat, to his portable dvd player. as i turn to the screen, a woman hops ON TOP of a dude on a massage table and the two of them start going at it like madmen.

WHAT?! ARE YOU WATCHING PORN ON THE TRAIN!?

what is this train! i can't look out the window, i can't look down, i can't look left, i can't look right! oh laaaaaawd.

most stressful train ride ever for a spaz like myself.

and note to self: please remember book tomorrow.

2008-11-06T19:58:00.003-05:00

i told you all it was fake.

2008-11-03T20:29:00.010-05:00

i'm sure, by now, you've heard. hell, even china is blogging about it.

the world's largest pinata did not drop. (photos to arrive shortly. after wednesday, sometime. sorry. but hey, why don't you just google philadelphia pinata yourself). Operation: Bust or Bust! was a complete... bust. and not in the 8000 pounds of volcanic candy spewing happy sort of way either.

apparently, carnival cruise, not be outdone by their own Fun Ships! decided to bring the Funville to philadelphia. um, would that be Phunville, Carnival? just a thought... they advertised not only free candy, but free ice cream and a potential winning a free cruise. somehow, with all this free stuff, carnival underestimated the Power of Free. free = crowds. rowdy, uncontrollable crowds. full of children. and hipsters. there was a gratuitous amount of hipster around.

BUT WAIT! I HAVE MORE IMPORTANT NEWS THAN HIPSTERS AND FREE CANDY!

we decided not to leave before we had some more info - precisely, we wanted to know that as soon as we stepped out of the gate, they weren't going to take the pinata into the air and smash it. we chatted with part of the film crew, who ASSURED US that the pinata would crash before 4:30 (clearly a bit of a lie).

we did also find out this:

- THE PINATA IS A CONGLOMERATE OF 52,000 POUNDS OF REINFORCED STEEL AND PINATA PAPER STREAMERS.

how are you going to break a 52,000 pound pinata? the answer: YOU DON'T.

the "wrecking ball" is actually made of FOAM. there was no actually breaking of the pinata. there never was going to be any ceremonial smashing, just some fake-ass hitting 52,000 pounds of steel with 25 pounds of foam (disclaimer - i forget just how heavy the foam ball was. it was not that big.) then, trap doors that were going to unleash the eight thousand pounds of candy. IT WAS ALL A SHAM. we were totally had. for some silly commercial that didn't even end up happening.

clearly we are all idiots for thinking that anyone could actually build a six story paper-mache pinata and then hit 8000 pounds of candy with 8000 pounds of steel. where is mythbusters when you need them? wouldnt all of that candy have been smashed to bits? wouldn't we all have had to wear construction hats? why didn't we think about this at 10AM when we were walking to broad and washington for some pre-pinata pho?

i can't even be mad at carnival. who makes a barbie for their cruise line? this is clearly something we should have been expecting.

2008-10-31T13:25:00.003-05:00

WE WIN!!

2008-10-22T20:14:00.010-05:00

this is what watching the phils at my house is like:

"cole hamels, that's my boyfriennnnnd. shane victorino, that's my boyfriend. jayson werth, boyfriend." ticking off phillies boyfriends on her fingers, this bit comes from my mother, not my 20-something sister. her boyfriends are all hockey players.

seany bee: "wait... who's our shortstop?"
momma, poppa and me bee (in unison, because we do that): "jimmy rollins"
seany bee: "oh, i thought jroll was second base. who plays second base? OH! pat burrell!"
all other bees: "WHAT?! SEAN! BURRELL PLAYS IN LEFT FIELD! YOU'RE IN LEFT FIELD!"
immediate phone call to other brother bee: "yo, guess what sean just said..."
poppa bee: "i hate casual fans"

i should also note that for some reason, the phillies game was on the living room tv, the den tv, and the master bedroom tv. i should also note that none of the tvs are sync'ed together. there is roughly a 2-3 second delay from the living room tv to the den tv and another 2-3 seconds from the den to the bedroom. so while chase utley was hitting a homerun in one room, he hadn't yet been thrown a pitch in the other. so it started with a "GO GO GO GO GO BABY GO" in one room to "SHUT UP, SHUT UP! WE HAVEN'T SEEN ANYTHING YE---GOOO GOOO! THAT'S my boyfriend!" in the next. "see!? THIS is why baseball should be a family venture, Bee Family!" shouts little sean bee

"WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY, OLD MAN!?! IT'S JUST A WALK!" - my mother yelling at an 80 year old man waving his rally towel and saggy arm on national television.

"elmo's got new shooooooooes! elmo's got new shoooooooooo-ooooooooooes" this has nothing to do with the phils, with the exception that both are red.

"yeah, you steal that ball from them bitchessss, ryan" - again, the queen bee

"asshole! learn to spell! did you see that sign? he had a sign, on tv, it said 'puck philly.' PUCK! it's a 'PH,' YOU MORON!" - queenie
[from the next room] "some PEople are TRYing to SLEEP here, MOM!" -sean

2008-10-17T07:19:00.008-05:00

i don't write about sports. for many reasons. mainly because i am a girl. and girls are not allowed to write about sports. or, if you DO write about sports, you have to be REALLY REALLY well-versed in sports. i am not well-versed in sports. i just love philly. and their sports teams. sans the sixers, but that's mostly just because i am too short to play bball and there was a scarring event in the first grade that i'd rather not get into involving that bright orange bouncing ball.

but ANYWAY. when i was in DC, i never wrote about sports. maybe that is because DC sports are sucky, i don't know. but now that i am in philadelphia, i simply can not not comment on the action that is going on right now.

the phils! are going! to the world series! duh, you knew that. what you don't know is that the last time this happened, i was in FOURTH grade. everything is glorious when you are in fourth grade. the city was excited and they threw a cap on Billy and everybody got even more excited, but you know how the story ends. then later, in seventh grade, the flyers went to the stanley cup. my dad took the whole beehive downtown and we all signed the flyers jersey that they dressed Billy up in. and you know how that story ends too.

so this year, philly says NO.
no more gimmicks.
no more crazy, stupid, shenanigans.
no more dressing billy up for halloween.

we're going to try something different this time. THIS YEAR, we're going to build a building bigger than any other building, including the building that started this whole curse shebang in the first place. AND, at our Topping Off Party, we're going to put a NEW Billy Penn up there, so that Bill is rightfully back on top. TAKE THAT, One Liberty Plaza. TAKE THAT, Dodgers. TAKE THAT, World!

so, the story remains untold, as of yet. but maybe, just maybe, Philly has found itself a new two foot tall good luck charm.

2008-10-14T20:50:00.009-05:00

i find myself here - three, three, and three. three weeks, three days, into phase three.

job, family, friends, all seemingly coming together. it's like i never left - mom does my laundry, dad cooks, i take the train, i still get bored at work... only difference is that i've cut out all that idle blogging and dcist commenting to nearly zilch on the company clock. i guess you should do that at new jobs, while you're still on probationary period. or something.

which is good for career, bad for blogging.

so my sincerest apologies, darling readers. if you have given up in the past three weeks, hopefully you all have RSS feeds.

i promise, i'll write something of vague substance tomorrow. i have been watching the train conductor try to hey-girl-hey a train rider for the past three weeks. nothing like a little R2 train romance to breathe some life back into this bee.

2008-09-22T20:23:00.008-05:00

let me say two things.

well, first, let me say two things. then i'll say some more.

one - i like to say a lot of things. i like to think that i am right. i am twentysomething; i believe that is what we do. we think we are smarter than everyone else.

two - i hate to retract things that i say. even if they were stupid.

but sadly, i must retract part of my last entry.

you see, i left DC for a lot of reasons. one of the reasons i really made fun of everybody was because of their crackberries and their agendas and their needs to be connected to everything at every time. like obama text messages at 2am. or something equally as lame.

and i associate people with agendas with people with blackberries and the like, because really? who needs email on their phone?

i am a simple phone folk. i want my phone to call people. i also want text messaging capabilities. but that is all. i dont need a shitty-pixeled camera, or shake-to-shuffle ipod technology, or GPS or email on my phone. just a phone. all you people with your pixelated camera, shakey ipod shuffling, email receiving crazy phones, you can take your agendas to DC and have a grand 'ole time checking your email at the bar. woohoo. for me, no thank you.

so when i got to philly, i said THANK GODS FOR NO MORE AGENDA PEOPLE WITH THEIR PHONES WITH EMAIL!

and what do i get today at work? one of those damn new fangled phones with email. thanks, thanks new university job for making me feel agenda'ed. i also already have a breakfast meeting scheduled two weeks from now into my stupid email/schedule/camera/thing that sometimes will make a phone call or two. awesome.

so i must retract.

welcome to my newfound agenda'ed philly lifestyle.

ugh.

2008-09-21T17:43:00.007-05:00

jane jacobs knows cities. it was kind of her thing. jane jacobs didn't love DC the way she loved philly or new york. people live here, work here, play here. people spend their lives here and they die here. there are cafes next to churches and apartments and hardware stores. sure, people live and die in DC, but it's different. DC is a fake city with a fake vibrance. everyone has an agenda. and the ones without agendas in DC hate the ones that do. every city has its corruption, but DC wallows in it. but philly? philly loves cheese steaks, rocky balboa, and the phils. who could possibly be a hater?

philadelphia is my home. welcome back to the city of brotherly love, the city that loves you back, where it's more fun to sleep over. (and it's always more fun to sleep over).

welcome to my foundation, my existence, my core creation, my attitude. welcome, my friends, to the b-side.

no one stands on the left and stops in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture of the Disney-Chinatown arch. Well, maybe they do; but at least this chinatown has that real, dirty fishy smell of a chinatown that has, you know, chinese restaurants and bubble tea. and the best damn dimsum in the city is actually IN the city, not out in bethesda.

the coozery, i'm sure, will continue...

so with that, here i am.

new beginnings.
new name.
new layout.
new... me?